“You Suck.”

October 29, 2011 I'm A STUNDENT.,Me, Unplugged,Stuff I'm Thinkin',Sugarpants Goes to School

“You Suck.”

I have heard this, in one form or another, many times since I started school last year.  I’m not gonna lie, it kinda hurts.

Between school, kids, the husband, the house and trying to maintain my sanity by sleeping and exercising enough, I have said no to many things:

- Girls nights.  Girls nights in PJ’s, with wine and too much food and lots and lots of laughs.

- Parties that involve my credit card. You know the ones – Tupperware, Fantasia, Pampered Chef, etc.  Not really parties, but still a fun night to hang out with the girls and do a little financial damage.

- Actual parties. Fancy ones, or in the case of tonight, several Halloween parties where I could have gotten dressed all skanky and had a really good time.

- Several dinners with my family/husband’s family.

And for the record, I really hate missing out on all this stuff, but I need to put school first.

I’ve said yes to a few things: dates with my husband, a family stag ‘n’ doe whereby I lost my dignity by selling Jello shooters in my ham-covered socks (I don’t even know what happened that night), a wedding, a play, and quite a few coffee/lunch/cross-border shopping dates.

I have plans to see my sisters and besties near the end of November.  December looks quite insane once exams are over - especially with family stuff.

I said no to four separate events today, and I felt terrible about it.  I know I can’t be everywhere. I certainly know that my school workload is not conducive to a crazy-ass social life.  But I chose this.  I want to be a nurse more than anything. I’m excited. Driven. Happy.

So when I say no, please don’t take it personally, and say to me, “You suck.”

I am doing the best I can.

And I don’t suck.

Five by five: Things you don’t know, things I do, and what I believe

October 28, 2011 Me, Unplugged,Stuff I'm Thinkin'

I shamelessly stole this from Adam, because I’m busy as heck, and I wanted to blog, but all I have in my head is vital sign baselines and ambulation techniques.  So yeah. This is what you get.

Five things you don’t know about me:

1. I have a hard time speaking up in class, because I get red-faced and I think that the younger people in my class think I’m too old to be there.
2. I am confident in my abilities as a nursing student, but terrified about being a nurse. I hope that changes.
3. I start to sweat when I’m too close to someone (besides family) – I hope that changes too, given I’m going to be a nurse.
4. I worry way more than the average person. When I’m not worrying about someone, I’m worrying about the fact that I have nothing to worry about and have a sense of dread.
5. Despite points 1 through 4, I outwardly portray a sense of calm, confidence and sometimes nonchalance, so that no one sees my CABW (Crazy Ass Brain Waves.)

 
Five things I am knowledgeable about:

1. School. I am DAMN good at school.  Total. Nerd. It helps that I love it so much.
2. My family.  I am a great mom, wife and I keep this house running better than average, most of the time.  My kids and I have a wonderful, open-communication type of relationship and I hope to continue that through the rest of their lives.
3. Conflict. I am a problem solver and get great delight in solving interpersonal issues.  Thank GOD, because one of my kids is entering his teenage years and so far, holy shit. (It sucks that this kind of thing has to be unbloggable, because OH MY GOSH PEOPLE. The drama.)
4. Nutrition and Exercise. I have read all kinds of stuff on these topics and once I master the art of motivation, my pants will be a more favourable size.  For now though, I quite enjoy doing what I can, when I can, and I have to accept this body the way it is – and honestly, it WORKS well, so I’m really thrilled to have that gift.
5. Advocacy.  I quite enjoy researching problems and advocating for vulnerable people.  I like creating change that effects policy and I think it will serve me well to have those skills, once I’m a nurse.

Five things I know nothing about:

1. Being a boy. Well duh, I know.  But the dynamics of being a young boy is something I’ve been researching lately, because there’s a whole different world for boys that my guys are navigating, that as a girl, I know absolutely nothing about. Can someone say Pissing Contest?
2. Gossip and drama. I see this at school occassionally, and I’m baffled by it.  If someone has a problem with me, I would hope that they would just tell me, because I am CLUELESS if someone is mad at me and ignoring me, or talking about me behind my back. I have no clue how girls deal with this shit in the age of Facebook and stuff. I don’t do drama, and yet, some people thrive on it and live by it, and quite frankly, never grow out of that.  I would like to live my life without that sort of stress, considering how little time we have on this earth – it’s much more fulfilling to just accept people for who they are and enjoy the life we are given.
3. Organized religion. I have made many attempts to understand various religions, and I’m fascinated by every last one of them.  But I can honestly say, I don’t know that much about religion, and I would like to learn more.
4. Scrapbooking. I have a close friend who does it and is very good at it.  I recently had to do a project where I interviewed a family member and scrapbooked the content. Needless to say, it took me forever. I decided to donate my project to my teacher (she requested this –  for class use in subsequent years), because I never want to see it again!
5. Grass.  I grew up in apartments. I never had a lawn before I got married & we bought a house. Which is why, when I thought I was helping Daren by fertilizing our lawn this past summer, he was irritated when I dumped the thingy with the stuff in it, on the grass and we ended up with several patches of missing grass on our front yard. Our neighbourhood is full of people that care more for their lawn then I thought was humanly possible.  Once of these days, I’m going to cross stitch something that says, “My life will never be about my lawn.” and hang it for all to see. Because really?  It’s GRASS. Who cares?

 
Five things I believe:

1. Everyone should be not just accepted, but celebrated for their differences.  Related to that, grown-ups should get to marry who they want.
2. We should never turn our backs on someone in need, no matter how difficult the situation.
3. Everyone who can, should donate blood, donate time, and/or donate money, as often as they are able.  If you haven’t done any of those in a while, please do it in November.
4. Friendship is forever.  Even when life gets busy, even when you haven’t spoken in a long while, even if you’ve hit a bump in the road; friendship is 100% FOREVER.
5. Everyone has a story.  Everyone has had hardship and/or heartbreak. Every person in this world deserves to be treated with kindness and patience, and be encouraged to follow their dreams.

Pebbles in Your Underwear

August 3, 2011 SimpleSugar,Stuff I'm Thinkin'

I recently joined Pinterest and I’ve found lots of inspiration to feed my kids easy lunches, little tips to clean my home without chemicals, and sayings that make me smile or think.

Like this one:

I remind myself of this if I have a bad day – whether it’s because I didn’t work out, or because I ate too much sugar or fat, or because I found myself negative or angry. I let it go before I go to bed and forgive myself. It sounds totally hokey, I know, but I think it’s much, much worse to dwell on your mistakes.

I mean, imagine if every little thing you feel guilty about – was a pebble that ended up in your underwear.

You decide to go for drinks with the girls instead of spin class? Pebbles in your underwear. You swear at a driver instead of taking a deep breath? Pebbles in your underwear. You decide on a candy binge after dinner instead of a walk? Pebbles in your underwear. You get angry at your spouse for something ridiculous instead of asking how his or her day went? Pebbles in your underwear.  You get my drift, right? Instead of enjoying these things and living life, you’re walking around with all these heavy guilty feelings and saggy pair of underwear.

There’s something growing fast over at Pinterest that makes me sad and angry. Something, that if anyone took seriously (and there are people that do), would result in said people having a lot of pebbles in their underwear.

Thinspiration.

I’ve seen it on the main board A LOT.

Messages like this:

(really? I mean, REALLY? UGH.)

and this:

and this:

(This one makes me quite angry. So the biggest one of your friends is somehow not happy, not worthy, not WHAT, exactly? Please, tell me so I can not be your friend, ever. Becoming inspired to be fit does not have to include shaming.)

This upsets me. I have been 118 pounds, I’ve been 220 pounds, and I’ve hit every weight in between. I have birthed two healthy babies and have the stretch marks to prove it.  I can run, jump, lift, dance, and play sports.  I work out in some capacity nearly every day and I’m STRONG. I’m healthy. Sure, my knees sound like milk hitting Rice Krispies, but hey, I’m not bad for a 37 year old new athlete.

Confession: I was never an athlete before the last few years. I was not an athletic kid.  I was a skinny runt who had the coordination of a elastic band.  My pregnancies were Licenses to Eat. Post-partum depression treatments included drugs that made me obese and unhealthy.

None of these things were good excuses to remain unhealthy. Not one of them. Sure, I didn’t know what I was doing as far as sports or gym equipment went, but I tried. I failed and tried again. I humbly asked for help. To this day, I continue to recruit friends to push me, challenge me and motivate me – and I do the same for them.

For me, losing weight is not about looking better. It is about having a healthy heart. It is about playing with my kids and not feeling like I’m going to die.

Bottom line, I want to be healthy. I like being strong. I like being able to help my husband around the house. I love running with my oldest, or running alongside my youngest while he is on his bike. I love cranking the tunes and dancing with my kids. I love going to boot camp with dear friends and watching them hit their goals with me. It’s isn’t about comparing goals, bodies, habits. It isn’t about getting into a pair of jeans. It’s about taking chances, trusting myself and trying again and again until I get it right. It’s about success. It’s about loving my imperfect, squishy self enough to enjoy the things I want to do.

Because:

My Hopesense is wishing that no one takes these thinspiration images seriously.

Make Tiny Promises to yourself.  Make yourself stronger. Make yourself faster. Make yourself accountable. Make yourself happy. But please, don’t make yourself sick.

If you’re my friend, I really would love for you to feel as happy and strong and imperfect as I do. You’re beautiful.

Carrying around a bunch of pebbles in your underwear would be absolute misery, anyway.