YOU MAKE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS

I don’t know what’s with me lately, but EVERYTHING is pissing me off. Behold, a verbal diarrhea shower of ranty goodness, inspired by this brilliance, that never gets old:

  • the way my kids get out of bed repeatedly after their bedtime. WHAT IS THAT???
  • the way some of my friends are acting about me leaving Facebook. I called a friend on phone tonight & she says, “you need to get back on Facebook, it’s easier to get ahold of you.” SERIOUSLY? Seriously. People have forgotten how to speak to each other. They rattle off in status updates, while the other person responds with, “Oh yeah I saw that on your Facebook.” RIDICULOUS.  I hear the word “Facebook” at least 5x a day without bringing it up. I hate Facebook so hard, and do not miss the banality of every. damn. detail. of people’s lives.
  • Ads for Russian brides when I’m trying to watch Nurse Jackie online.  No, Svetlana, I will not marry you.
  • My hair. It’s ridiculous. I look like I tried to do my hair with a tampon applicator and a bottle of Tequila. I need a haircut so badly. But I’m so ashamed of how it looks, that I don’t wanna go. Aaaand loop.
  • The phrase “teachable moment.” Overused as much as Ritalin. Here’s a teachable moment, parents: every fucking moment should be a teachable moment. Those offspring you decided to bring into the world are watching your EVERY MOVE.
  • The spam comments that start with heavy flattery always end with porn links or promise of a bigger penis. My blog is a filthy brothel. Maybe I should strike a deal with the Russian mail-order brides.
  • Nickelback. Yes, still.
  • This sexist bullshit that appears year after year:
  • And the number one thing pissing me off is my douchebag of a heart. Starting Monday, I have to wear a Holter monitor for two weeks. I cannot shower or bathe in that two weeks. My doc wants me to go back to running, because my blood pressure is 140/90 (taken 4 x since March), and he thinks I’m not exercising enough (truth hurts, bitch.) Sweating + Not Able To Shower. This should be Hella Fun. 

I’m in a mood. Who wants to go running with me tomorrow?