Mother’s Day has always been a tough one for me. Between the loss of my beloved foster Mum, and the crappy upbringing I received from the drunk uterus that is my bio-mom, Mother’s Day has usually held quite a bit of conflict & sadness in my heart. Every year, I get a little crabby, a lot upset, and try my best to sleep through as much of the weekend as possible. I do put on a brave face for my kids, allowing them to spoil Mommy as much as they’d like.
(They’re 13 & 7 now, they don’t really ever call me Mommy unless they want something. Heh.)
About 2 months ago, I had one of those break-down, all-out, UGLY cries on my husband’s shoulder. It lasted nearly an hour. I NEVER cry like this. I rarely cry, actually. I tear up at movies, but to truly cry over anything? It’s rare. This ugly cry was a huge confession to him that I felt as though I’m not normal, that I don’t belong to any family, save for the one we created together. I don’t have a normal Mom and a normal Dad. I don’t have the ability to phone any sort of Mom when I’m feeling sad. I don’t have a Dad to call on when I need advice. I have Granny & Papa, who are amazing, but they are so far away. After that huge confession to him, I felt as though a weight had been lifted. I’m not a weirdo. I’m an adult child of circumstance and you know what? I’m SO over it.
This year, I’m starting a new tradition. For my cousin Jess. For her sisters. For me. For anyone who doesn’t have a mother. For anyone who has a tumultuous relationship with their Mom. For anyone who simply hates Mother’s Day for whatever reason:
Selfish Mother’s Day.
This Mother’s Day is going to be about me. One Mother’s Day Eve (which I totally just made up), I will light a candle for Mum, say a prayer and remember her amazing heart. I will say my usual prayer for my bio-mom – hoping she is safe wherever she is, and then? I will move on with my own Mother’s Day.
Positive thoughts, loving my kids, enjoying Mother’s Day will be on the agenda. I will call my Granny and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. I will not wallow in pity, sadness, or anger. I will not let the past define my happiness. It doesn’t define my every day, so why let it get to me on a day that I should enjoy with my boys?
This Mother’s Day is mine. And I can’t wait to celebrate it.
**I also need a new pic of the boys and I! This one is from September 2011!**