Imperfection
April 14, 2011
I am not thin. I have a lot of squishy goodness around my middle that jiggles when I run. I run so I can eat brownies and ice cream with caramel topping. I run so I won’t yell at my kids. I run to keep my moods even and my stress levels low. Sam just wrote about these feelings (and more) and I can SO relate to all of it.
I’ve been struggling since January to keep myself from slipping down that muddy landslide into depression. I fight it every single day. I put myself to bed, nearly treating myself like a child, to go to bed at a certain time, just so I won’t succumb to that awful cycle of late bedtimes and getting my kids to school late as well, all the while yelling at them to hurry up, like it’s their fault Mommy stayed up and watched 7 episodes of Intervention.
I drink a Genuine Health Transform shake every morning and chase it with an Activia yogurt. Sometimes, homemade granola is atop that yogurt. I am not hungry in the mornings but I force myself to start the day this way to stave off mid-morning cravings for Rockstar and popcorn – my old breakfast of choice that has never done me any favours.
I study in pockets of time that I fit in between making dinner, doing laundry and my insane running schedule. I feel like I’m always behind on everything, and yet, I manage to squeak by on essay and lab deadlines and pull in some decent marks. I’m *this close* to pulling off all A’s again this semester if biology doesn’t make me her bitch on the exam.
I’m going to run a half marathon with Sam on May 1st, and I’m scared.
This is where I stop myself, on the daily, from falling into the “omg I have so much going on and I’ll never get it all done” mindset.
I breathe.
I list.
I plan.
All of those things don’t make it a perfect attempt at being this student-wife-mother-runner. What makes it a perfect attempt is that I am gentle with myself.
Those bedtimes? A gift to my mind.
Those early nutritious starts to the day? A gift to my body.
Those runs that I wish could last forever? A gift to my soul.
I run – through town – through life.
I am in undying love with my life despite it’s struggles.
I don’t have to run the whole half-marathon. There is no shame in walking. I will celebrate my accomplishment, no matter the time it takes to do it.
I don’t have to get all A’s this semester. No one ever said all A’s makes a great nurse.
I am happy.
I am happy because I am gentle and kind to myself. I reach out to my friends and family when I’m slipping. I no longer hide in my shell when I’m feeling rotten. I am doing the best I can and for the first time in my life, it’s enough.
It’s enough.
This past year has changed me in ways I can barely explain in words.
And it’s okay for me not to try.
April 14th, 2011 at 10:15 am
I just want to say that I find your journey amazing. I did the school/Mom thing many years ago and there is no way I found time/energy to exercise or take care of myself in any way. You find time to do all of that (and I know firsthand that training takes time) and write and everything else. So, the fact that you keep it together in whatever way you can, makes you inspiring.
Thank you for that.
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April 14th, 2011 at 10:20 am
Of course I understand ALL of this, though wish I were as wise as you in listening and acting on what you know your body/mind/spirit really need. I can help with one thing – I’ve run a couple half marathons, and there are two ways to get through one successfully:
1. Prepare (you’re doing that just fine, and)
2. Know where you’ll mentally go during tough stretches. For me this was always miles 7-9. You can kind of prepare for this too – it’s not unlike acting to stave off depression.
That said, all your daily mile posts have been so positive, I bet you’ll chew up that race and spit it out. Like my Boston marathon veteran friend says, ‘Have a FUN race!’…
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April 14th, 2011 at 10:20 am
Oh but you are trying. And winning. Enjoy that breeze in your hair, run ’til you chase it all away, but dont be scared to pause.
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April 14th, 2011 at 10:20 am
inspiring. so good to get to know you better karen… recently following you on twitter and through your blog posts. a little kindness and forgiveness extended to ourselves. what a gift.
ana´s last words of wisdom ..little boots in the garden…
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April 14th, 2011 at 10:36 am
You’re doing wonderfully, Karen. You really are.
It’s not easy having so much going on. Most days, my goal is to complete just one task and you know what? The world doesn’t if even that one task doesn’t get finished.
No matter how much is going on, it’s really crucial to have SOME time for you, otherwise the other stuff just becomes that much more of a burden.
For me, I can live with clothes sitting in baskets in my living room, the carpet being vacuumed once a week and the bathrooms only being wiped down with a damp face cloth as I usher the kids out the door to get their shoes on…I have to. Some times something has to give.
I love you and I think you’re amazing.
sam {temptingmama}´s last words of wisdom ..Half
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April 14th, 2011 at 10:37 am
37 years in, I think I am finally realizing that the only perfection capable of being achieved is that point of forgiving ourself (and the world) for perfect being a myth.
Your strength, perseverance, passion, spunk and searing honesty is so precious to me.
Amanda´s last words of wisdom ..I did it- mama
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April 14th, 2011 at 10:49 am
“I am doing the best I can and for the first time in my life, it’s enough.”
It was always enough, but for the first time you believe it.
xo
Megan´s last words of wisdom ..San Francisco
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April 14th, 2011 at 11:13 am
You’re awesome, Karen. I’m so glad you are making yourself a priority because you’re worth it. You do so much for other people, and you’ve had SO MUCH going on this year, that it would be easy to get overwhelmed. I think your half-marathon philosophy is perfect and I’m going to be cheering for you from afar. Love yer face! XOXO
Lisa´s last words of wisdom ..It&8217s Shiny and New!
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April 14th, 2011 at 11:29 am
I’m so so so so glad that you’re finding a content place. You and Sam are quite inspiring!
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April 14th, 2011 at 12:25 pm
I love this.
I love the peace you are finding.
Ben´s last words of wisdom ..Lint is a shell’s best friend
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April 14th, 2011 at 1:54 pm
i love the “going to bed on time” reminder. i’m such a better person when i go to bed on time.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last words of wisdom ..The Butterfly Effect- My Back To Basics Blog Movement
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April 14th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
That’s a step up from me. I run only when chased.
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April 14th, 2011 at 3:46 pm
I love you xoxo
jessi´s last words of wisdom ..Appointments & Bloodwork
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April 14th, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Wonderful post. I can relate to so much of it. And it’s one more reminder for me to start setting my alarm clock a little earlier again.
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April 14th, 2011 at 5:43 pm
Great post. I struggle daily myself, some days are better than others. Need to keep my sleep in order, too.
Karl´s last words of wisdom ..I Did Not Forget
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April 14th, 2011 at 5:48 pm
” What makes it a perfect attempt is that I am gentle with myself.”
Love this. You know “perfect” and “gentle” are two concepts I battle myself over.
I resisted the whole earlier bedtime thing for SO LONG. Now that I’m doing it – and actually getting some damned decent sleep – it’s like night and day. I feel like a moron for being so stubborn.
You two are gonna rock this marathon.
Chibi Jeebs´s last words of wisdom ..Write your heart out
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April 14th, 2011 at 7:36 pm
That faint sound you hear is me cheering you on all the way from shitty Florida.
Avitable´s last words of wisdom ..Your degree sucks
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April 15th, 2011 at 8:34 am
You go girl. and I do like the notion of being gentle with yourself. It just makes so much sense. Well done you.
lceel´s last words of wisdom ..Haiku Friday – Wasp 12B
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April 18th, 2011 at 5:39 pm
Karen, I totally get wanting to hide in your shell. I find myself doing it less as well. In large part because I finally have friends that I can trust, who give me a soft place to land when I need it, and a kick in the ass when I need that.
It makes me see that I have to be kinder to myself, that imperfection is impossible. To be who we are is all we have to be.
avasmommy´s last words of wisdom ..Not a step back- but maybe to the side
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April 18th, 2011 at 6:23 pm
We are walking the same path, except you are ahead — and running. I am so impressed, and inspired.
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