Beauty in Death
January 31, 2011
Mom passed away last week.
For a long time, I’ve been so very angry with God over Mom’s 13 month long battle with cancer. I would have full on conversations with him, asking why someone who was so amazing and selfless would have to go. When Mom was in her final hours, I began to pray. I prayed harder than I ever have. I asked God to take Mom peacefully. We didn’t want her to suffer at all. I wanted to spare our family from a dramatic ending — it’s so upsetting and we had already been through a dramatic ending with Gram just last May.
He listened.
Mom’s passing was peaceful. My oldest sister had left to get a few hours sleep, but my younger sister had a feeling we should call her back, because Mom was going downhill fast. Thank God she did make that call. Within a few hours, Mom’s breathing had really slowed and eventually stopped. She was surrounded by all of us, and we all hugged each other, and cried, and kissed her goodbye. She left this world so soon, but so loved. Those moments we got with her were precious, and we were all so grateful to be there together for her, and for each other.
I’m no longer angry with God. I can say that now. He answered the one prayer that he could.
This isn’t the mother who gave birth to me. This is the Mom who loved me through what was the hardest time of my life. This is the Mom who showed me I belonged, when I had nowhere to belong before. At a time when ‘people didn’t mess with other people’s children,‘ she was fearless. In those days, when no one stepped in to look after an abused kid, she did.
I tried to speak at her funeral. I wanted to tell the story of how she taught me to give a real hug. You would think a kid wouldn’t have to be taught how to hug, but she saw that simple need and fulfilled it. And that broken punk kid went on to hug, really hug, a whole big bunch of other people. It was a beautiful gift that she naturally gave, and it needed to be honoured.
I tried to speak at her funeral. Instead, my sister held me up as I listened to the minister read my words. I audibly sobbed on her shoulder, and stared at Mom’s casket, covered in yellow roses. I heard sobbing in the pews and was immediately sorry for making people cry even more. But the way she saved my life, and as I later learned, other women’s lives — it needed to be told. As I sobbed on my sisters shoulder, I silently thanked her and my other sister and brother for sharing their Mom with me. Every time I tried to say that out loud to them, it got stuck in my throat. Even typing it now, there’s so much beauty in what they selflessly shared with me, that my eyes are welling up.
As Mom wished, my sister-in-law sang “Wind Beneath My Wings” to us kids. I sat in the pew, feeling small and scared and so very sad, and thought, that song works both ways.
You were beautiful, Mom. Thank you for loving me.
Mom would have loved the ceremony. My brother lead us through all the planning and details, fearlessly. The 4 of us tag-teamed taking care of Dad through the week, and as horrible as the circumstances were, it was so amazing to spend this time together. I can’t tell you what it means to truly belong somewhere. I feel the same way when I’m with my Granny and Papa, cousins and uncles too. As my friend Amber said last night, “Love makes a family.”
After the funeral and reception, we went back to Dad’s, broke out a bottle of Bailey’s and toasted to Mom. Everyone said something really touching. We ended up in laughter more than once. That’s how we deal. We make inappropriate jokes, we laugh…and I’m learning that many families do things this way, and it’s okay to laugh during times like these. We’re not weird or crass, we’re human. We even joked that Mom kept opening her eyes near the end and probably thought to herself, “Shit! I’m still here!? Where’s my friggin’ white light?” That’s exactly how she would have said it, too. She was a no bullshit, hilarious, fun-loving woman.
My sister-in-law called once she got home safely, as we all had been doing, all week. “Have I got a story for you,” she started. “I was flipping through the radio channels, as I always do, and you’ll never guess what came on…I haven’t heard this song on the radio for ten years! Wind Beneath My Wings! Can you believe it?” I passed the phone to Dad so she could repeat her story. It was as though Mom was thanking her for singing…she had done such a beautiful job. I’ve never heard singing like that in my life. It was indescribable.
I came home Thursday night, in a fog, picked up my boys from my mother-in-law, and crashed hard.
The night before last, I was at the tail end of a migraine that had lasted 58 hours. I had slept 50 of those 58 hours, probably due to the stresses of the last week crashing down on my weary heart. I had a dream about Mom. She looked so bright and happy and I was amazed to see her. She held my shoulders, looked in my eyes and said, “you guys will be okay, together.” It was clear as day. When I woke up, the sun was shining and my migraine was gone.
When my brother and sisters were young, and even after I came along, part of the bedtime routine was to say “See you when the sun shines, love you lots and lots, Mahoo mahoo…” The mahoo mahoo was kisses, blown, but somewhere along the way, those little mahoo’s were born. They make me smile.
Yesterday I ran out to get Gravol and Gatorade for my flu-ridden boys, and stopped for gas. It was minus 20 degrees Celsius, but all I could feel as I stood there pumping gas, was the warmth of the sun on my cheeks.
See you when the sun shines, Mom. You are greatly missed. Love you lots and lots…mahoo mahoo.
January 31st, 2011 at 10:38 am
This made me cry hot tears but good tears. What a beautiful tribute to your Mum.
Deer Baby´s last words of wisdom ..Same as it ever was
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January 31st, 2011 at 10:39 am
That was really lovely and sad and then lovely all over again.
So sorry, again, for your loss. But thank you for writing this.
TwoBusy´s last words of wisdom ..Winter Comes
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January 31st, 2011 at 10:51 am
I’m so very sorry for your mother’s passing over. There are many things we will not have answered in this lifetime. That was a beautiful expression of her love and life.
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January 31st, 2011 at 10:53 am
Oh I’m bawling. Beautiful, Karen. Just beautiful. As are you and your family.
And just ’cause it can’t be said enough, cancer sucks balls.
Elly Lou´s last words of wisdom ..Brown Eyed Uke
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January 31st, 2011 at 10:56 am
Beautiful post. It shines.
Thanks so much for sharing.
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January 31st, 2011 at 11:05 am
Beautiful tribute, Karen. Hugs…..
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January 31st, 2011 at 11:15 am
Oh sweetgirl… This was so beautiful. Family is love and the words here just overflow with such fervent love for your Mom. xo
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January 31st, 2011 at 11:19 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you’ve reached a place of peace. This was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
Amy!´s last words of wisdom ..Keepin’ Busy
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January 31st, 2011 at 11:40 am
Great post. My family did the same with my grandmother, we were all around her holding her hands when she went. We were all at peace with it, I pray your family does to. I absolutely feel her with me some days, it makes me feel warm inside. Big hugs & much love to you.
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January 31st, 2011 at 12:15 pm
I’m still so sorry. You choked me up. Beautiful piece to honor your mom. And I know your dream was real. How awesome is that! You’re blessed.
el-e-e´s last words of wisdom ..Guess who got a big-girl bed this weekend
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January 31st, 2011 at 12:25 pm
Karen I am so sorry for your loss. Your words made me cry. Thank you for sharing.
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January 31st, 2011 at 1:11 pm
what a beautiful post and tribute to your mom. Thank you so much for including us in this very hard journey. we are always here to support you.
DesignHER Momma´s last words of wisdom ..Mozzi due in May – Barley & Birch
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January 31st, 2011 at 1:14 pm
*bawling*
I love you, Karen. I love you so hard. I am so sorry she’s gone.
Take care of you.
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January 31st, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Thank you for sharing that.
MidLifeMama´s last words of wisdom ..Snow fatigue and parenting styles
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January 31st, 2011 at 1:28 pm
Aw, Karen. It’s awful that this hurts so badly, but I’m glad you had her in your life.
Lisse´s last words of wisdom ..Parenting
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January 31st, 2011 at 2:02 pm
This was so touching and beautiful. I’m so glad you got to be there with her. I love you, lady. Take care of you now.
Lisa´s last words of wisdom ..Bullets and Stuff
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January 31st, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Sobbing – what a beautiful tribute, Karen. The love you share with your family emanates off the page – I can FEEL it, and it’s amazing. I’m so, so very glad she found you and loved you so fiercely.
Love you, dear heart.
Chibi Jeebs´s last words of wisdom ..Random Confessions- 15
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January 31st, 2011 at 2:24 pm
You are better for having her.
Know this.
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January 31st, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Oh, Karen. This was heartbreaking. This was beautiful. Thinking of you.xoxo
Y´s last words of wisdom ..I Love My Body So That My Daughter Will Learn to Love Hers
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January 31st, 2011 at 2:41 pm
This is a beautiful tribute to your mother and your family. I am so happy to know you are so loved and supported. Be well.
schmutzie´s last words of wisdom ..Schmutzies Blissdom Conference- Mostly In Pictures
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January 31st, 2011 at 3:09 pm
What a beautiful tribute to your mother, Karen. I am so very sorry for your loss, and glad that she is now without pain and at peace. Hugs to you and your family.
Tiffany´s last words of wisdom ..The hardest part about having pets
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January 31st, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Such a lovely tribute to your mother. Hugs to you.
punkinmama´s last words of wisdom ..killer expectations
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January 31st, 2011 at 3:36 pm
So truly sorry for your loss.
How wonderful to have a family so full of love and support. And laughter… so very very important.
Colleen´s last words of wisdom ..Enough I give up!
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January 31st, 2011 at 3:58 pm
Sorry for your loss, Karen. truly. I’m sitting here, my eyes are burning, and I can’t say anything more than that, it seems, though I wish I could say something that might help you to heal, just a little, for today.
It’s part of being who and what we are – people, human beings, family members – that sorrow felt at the loss of another is necessary, in order to remind us that there is more to the world than just ‘US’ – that our focus needs to be broader then just ‘US’ – that WE belong to others, who belong to ‘US’ – and losing another diminishes us.
lceel´s last words of wisdom ..Monday Meanders 1-31
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January 31st, 2011 at 4:12 pm
What a beautiful way to say goodbye to someone who sounds like the best mom ever.
Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves´s last words of wisdom ..Start As You Mean To Go On Part 2
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January 31st, 2011 at 4:22 pm
She is always with you, sweetie. Always. I’m glad you all are getting through together. XO
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January 31st, 2011 at 4:47 pm
Beautiful post Karen.
I have always believed that love makes anyone a family. I’m so happy that you have yours. Huge hugs friend.
Issa´s last words of wisdom ..Dear dad-
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January 31st, 2011 at 5:26 pm
Sobbing now. This is beautiful. I wish I could find more words, but I can’t. *hugs*
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January 31st, 2011 at 5:34 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss, Karen. And I should have waited to get home from work before reading this. But the tears are real and I feel for you. Such beautiful prose for an obviously beautiful relationship. Sending many thoughts and hugs your way.
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January 31st, 2011 at 5:37 pm
I am so, so sorry for your loss of what sounds to be one incredible woman. I am glad your prayer was answered and that she went peacefully into the great beyond. What a beautiful tribute to a great family.
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January 31st, 2011 at 5:58 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing easy about losing a parent by any means. Hugs and prayers to you and your family during this time and for the future times when people stop offering condolences even though the hurt is still present. It’s true that it gets easier with time, but it’s never easy. Her spirit seems well and alive in your heart and for that she will never be apart from you.
Hockeymandad´s last words of wisdom ..Still Breathing
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January 31st, 2011 at 8:05 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful, touching tribute to your mom! It sounds like she was one incredible lady. How beautiful, to have a reminder so tender and ever-present as the sunshine.
Fire Wife Katie´s last words of wisdom ..Addictions
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January 31st, 2011 at 8:05 pm
Sweetie. So sorry she had to go, but I am glad her passing was peaceful. Surrounded by love…that’s what we all hope for. I’m glad she had you to love her.
Suebob´s last words of wisdom ..I’m about to make you feel better about yourself
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January 31st, 2011 at 8:17 pm
Karen, that is so beautiful. I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I’m glad there was a little sunshine and warmth through this painful time. Hugs.
Karen Chatters´s last words of wisdom ..Worrying
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January 31st, 2011 at 8:41 pm
Oh, Karen, this is beautiful. Many hugs and much love your way.
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January 31st, 2011 at 8:44 pm
I am very sorry for your loss, but glad that she can be at peace.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last words of wisdom ..Questions for You- My Snow Week
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January 31st, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Lovely tribute. Sorry again for your loss, Karen.
Karl´s last words of wisdom ..Thanks for the Movembories
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January 31st, 2011 at 10:29 pm
So sweet. *sniffle*
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January 31st, 2011 at 11:40 pm
Beautiful.
Maggie, dammit´s last words of wisdom ..Wildflowers
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February 1st, 2011 at 12:20 am
Love you sweetie, this is beautiful.
And you know what? Laughing and reminiscing and toasting is exactly the way you should act. Celebrate the life of your amazing mum.
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February 1st, 2011 at 2:14 am
Love. You.
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February 1st, 2011 at 10:07 am
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom, Karen. From your stories of her, she was a loving and special woman.
Mary´s last words of wisdom ..Important questions
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February 1st, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Sending you love and hugs. I hope you know we were (and are) with you.
Lori Magno´s last words of wisdom ..We have a new snow meter in town
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February 1st, 2011 at 3:31 pm
i am so very sorry for your loss. she sounds like a spectacular woman and certainly very loved.
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February 1st, 2011 at 5:25 pm
Hi Karen … (Just so you know who I am with all the “E”s — I’m Janice’s “spunky” “Canadian” friend.)
I am so sorry for your loss. But I am so happy for what you have gained by having had her in your world. <3
She sounds like an amazing woman; one that may not be famous but was a better role model than all the famous people being called role models put together!
The song on the radio … I have had similar experiences with songs. The stories get too long for a comments-box, but the one most recent is that when my husband passed away I had picked Meatloaf's Anything For Love to set the slideshow to (it was his favourite song). A few weeks later, I got his laptop back from his roommates (we were separated), and I knew he had tons of music on it. When I opened the windows media player, there was page after page of "Unknown Artist / Unknown Song". Hundreds of songs. I randomly clicked on one a few pages in, and it was the Meatloaf song. It was too big of a coincidence. It had to be a sign or message that he was okay. That he wasn't angry anymore, or under the effects of extreme alcoholism, and that IT was okay. That he was with us and loved us. At peace. I later had another song come on somewhere else that was our wedding first dance song. It was not a song that ever got airplay on the radio — yet there it was, coming through the speakers at Safeway. So again, a little reminder that he was there and loved us under it all.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I am also glad that she went peacefully; she deserved peace.
I admire you greatly, Karen. You have done your mom proud! *hugs*
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February 1st, 2011 at 5:56 pm
I’m so happy that you got to have her, even if so short a time, and the family that you have, because of her. I’m so sorry, but I’m so happy that you all had the strength to hold each other up. It’s obvious that’s not going anywhere. Love to you, and all of yours.
Zoeyjane´s last words of wisdom ..A change of plans like always
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February 1st, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Jesus, honey. I am shamed that I have had my head so far up my ass I didn’t see this until now.
SO much love and hugs to you.
And yes, it is ABSOLUTELY FINE TO FREAKING LAUGH WHEN YOU MOURN.
Laughter saved my life.
I believe heavily in it.
I love you. xo
Loralee´s last words of wisdom ..How do I know when to step in and advocate on behalf of a hospitalized parent
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February 1st, 2011 at 6:57 pm
I’m sorry Karen. My heart is with you.
Jenny Grace´s last words of wisdom ..Men of the world- I find this stuff unattractive!
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February 1st, 2011 at 6:58 pm
What a wonderful lady to have in your life, who shaped the wonderful friend I have this day.
Her beautiful legacy lives on in you my friend.
xoxo
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February 1st, 2011 at 7:13 pm
That is beautiful and touching and raw. I pray rest and peace in your life these next weeks.
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February 1st, 2011 at 7:14 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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February 1st, 2011 at 11:55 pm
She is so alive in you. Love to you and yours, especially your beautiful mom
flutter´s last words of wisdom ..Transitioning
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February 2nd, 2011 at 10:28 am
That was a fucking beautiful post, Sugarpanties. Love you and I love the person you are thanks in part to your mom.
Avitable´s last words of wisdom ..Women of the World- I find this unattractive
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February 2nd, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Great post, Karen. One that brought both tears to my eyes and refreshed memories from almost 5 years ago when I lost my mom to cancer.
I’m so glad you and your mom had a great and close relationship and that you take with you what you learned from her. I often reflect back on my mixed relationship I had with my mom and am so glad I rebuilt that during her last 5 years of life.
May the memories of your mom always be with you in life.
martymankins´s last words of wisdom ..Music Monday- Duran Duran “Rio”
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February 2nd, 2011 at 1:36 pm
So sad and beautiful.
<3 <3 <3 <3
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February 2nd, 2011 at 2:55 pm
This post is so beautifully written Karen. Much love and peace to you and your entire famly. xoxo
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February 2nd, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. (Even though it’s cruel to make a woman six days postpartum cry so much.) I don’t even know your mom and I love her for what she did for you. I would have given almost anything for someone to take me away from my abusive birth mother. This lady was clearly a saint. Love to you.
The Bombshell´s last words of wisdom ..Last Supper
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February 2nd, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Beautiful post.
Love and love and love to you.
xoxo
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February 2nd, 2011 at 10:20 pm
What a beautiful post in honor of your mom. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sending all my love & prayers your way. xoxo
Sodapop´s last words of wisdom ..I AM a non smoker Or am I
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February 4th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
So sorry that you have lost your Mum. I cried when I read your post as it took me back to when I lost my Beautiful Mum to cancer nearly 5 years ago. Thankyou for sharing…You touched my heart x
Mama Syder´s last words of wisdom ..Dear So and So
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February 6th, 2011 at 2:09 pm
I am so, so sorry for your loss. What a hard time this must be for you and your family. Sending you warmth and peace.
Rebekah´s last words of wisdom ..NOT clean
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February 25th, 2011 at 5:49 pm
it took me a long time to read this. i still miss my mom so much and honestly, i wasn’t certain if i ever could read what you would write about your mom passing.
it was beautiful. i’m thankful i brought myself to read every word.
i love you lady. and i am so very sorry for your loss.
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March 1st, 2011 at 7:04 pm
Simply said, this is a beautiful tribute to your mom. Now I know where you get some of your uber awesomeness in motherhood from. I am sorry she left so soon, but she certainly left you with many wonderful attributes. MWAH! xx
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