Reaching Out
December 15, 2009
Having been a part of the blogging community for 5+ years, I have made a lot of friends. All of them started out as ‘online friends,’ and through phone calls, instant messaging, blogging conferences and trips, many of them have become some of my closest friends. These are the people I turn to when I want to celebrate something exciting, or if I need to lean on them.
Anyone within the blogging community is well aware of the amount of time we ‘spend together.’ It’s natural to turn to these people that we trust, when we need them.
With the inception of Twitter, there are many who will fire off 140 characters, without regard as to how people could be hurt by their words. I have seen more passive aggressive tweets in the last 6 months than I cared to.
Just last month I asked on Twitter, how to block certain hashtags. What I meant was, there were two hashtags kinda sloshing up my Twitter stream and I wanted my friends. I happened to be feeling really down at the time, missing Daren, and despite my disclaimer that I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I was jumped unfairly by two people I had been following. It was basically a misunderstanding but the damage was done. I was hurt, they were upset, blah blah blah. To this day, it’s not resolved with one of them, but I guess lines have been drawn in the sand even though I was never part of the underlying problem. I walked away knowing I don’t need friends like that.
Last week during the season premiere of Hoarders, there were opposing sides as to the validity of the show and if it was more about sensationalizing mental illness and shocking their audience then educating people on the disorder (if that’s the right word) and ultimately helping the victims on the show. I watched my friends on both sides make snide remarks betwixt valid points and sat back to assess the situation in my head. I kept thinking, “Life is too short to be this mean to each other.” The vibe was shitty, regardless of who was right.
A few days ago, with Daren out of town, I turned to my friends on Twitter as I was very upset about the possibility of Dylan needing surgery. A few of my closest friends reminded me to take one step at a time, to breathe. They calmed me down from miles away. I received concerned DMs from trusted friends as Dylan and I waited for results, and we were able to laugh off the embarrassment of half the hospital staff looking at my kid’s junk, because I was calm. It truly was awesome how people I trust were there for me.
As a parent who is often raising these boys solo, I completely understand why Military Mom turned to her friends on Twitter last night when her son suddenly drowned in their pool. Her husband is deployed and she needed her friends. I don’t know Shellie, but I hope for her sake that the barrage of people questioning the truth in her story will stop what they are doing. A story like that is usually local and it hasn’t even been 24 hours, so of course we won’t see it by Googling. I can’t imagine what she is going through and my heart truly goes out to her.
My point is, I really hope we start being kinder to each other. Make a conscious effort not to put negative things on Twitter. Not that I have a problem with debate, not at all, so long as it’s respectful. If you have a problem with someone, there is no reason to attack them publicly, whether it’s direct or a passive aggressive comment. I would hope that if someone has a problem with me, they will come directly to me. I want to know if I’ve upset someone so I can do better. I realize some people aren’t like that, but I think that comes with maturity.
On the other end of our tweets are many people with feelings. I think sometimes we forget that. Can we just be a little gentler, a little kinder, a little more considerate of each other’s hearts? Please?
At the end of the day, I believe it is more important to be kind than to be right.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Bravo. And now I don’t have to type this post because that is exactly what I was going to say.
.-= Vixen´s last blog ..Gone Fishin’ =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:13 am
I love this post Karen.
My true friends, my true community are online friends. Hell, I met my best friend on Twitter. No joke, my very best friend, the very best friend I have ever had in my entire life, I met because of twitter. She lives four states and 1237 miles away and I’ve only met her once. My very best friend and I’ve only actually hugged her a few times. But she’s my rock. I don’t know where I’d be without her.
For some people, the online world is just a time waste. Something to do when bored. Those people are the ones who don’t understand how one could tweet in a time of need. They attack for attention. They somehow try to make it about them. It’s sickening.
Then there are those of us, who would and do tweet when in need. Because this is our community, the people we’ve met online become our true family. Why shouldn’t we ask for our friends and families support when in need. I know I do. Look at the good that can be done for people, the support that can be given, when needed.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Taking a break =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Hugs.
If only more people would take the time to stop and think before they tweeted
.-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..Merry Ho Ho =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I’m constantly amazed at the brashness and rudeness people will display online. There are no real world consequences for them. No one will show up on their door step and yell at them, hit them, arrest them. They get to stir up trouble then sit back to enjoy the mayhem. All because to them it’s only words on a computer screen.
Words have the potential to cause pain. Scarring, deep pain. I wish people would stop and think about that before they speak or type.
.-= avasmommy´s last blog ..Random Monday Musings on Parenting =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:23 am
AMEN!
Being snarky never fixed anything. I turn to twitter for love and understanding and compassion and friendship, not to be crucified daily.
Tis sad, my dear.
Beautifully said.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..An update =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I completely agree with you. On Thanksgiving Day I checked in on Twitter a few times & was so disappointed by all the negativity. If only people would embrace kindness more, they may just see their life in a different way. It saddens me that people are so quick to judge & point fingers.
.-= Denise´s last blog ..It’s My Birthday & I Request A Do-Over… =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I agree 100%. Passive aggressive tweets and calling people out can #suckit. If you can’t tweet anything nice, just tweet what you had for lunch.
.-= BusyDad´s last blog ..Go Stuff a Stocking =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:39 am
A few years ago, I was duped by a blogger. Never even saw it coming! This was a caring, sweet woman who’s writing I greatly enjoyed.
And every.single.bit of it was untrue.
So, that being said, having been duped to the extreme, I would still NEVER, EVER make such negative comments as this poor woman has been receiving. Being duped did not cause me to lose my manners, compassion, common freakin’ decency!
And I’m in total agreement with avasmommy up there.
WTH is wrong with people???
.-= J.´s last blog ..Going Underground =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Amen! I hate the mob mentality. We would all be a lot better off if people stopped hiding behind avatars and sniping from afar. Well said.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Old Girls Need Love Too =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Bravo.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..Looking into my daughter’s eyes =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:57 am
well said!! *standing ovation*
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December 15th, 2009 at 11:24 am
“At the end of the day, I believe it is more important to be kind than to be right.”
Exactly.
Thanks for saying what needed to be said.
.-= Finn´s last blog ..It’s Not Really About Lunch =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Yes, yes, and yes.
In the novel, Monsoon Country, Pira Sudham says, “Gratitude is the mark of a good person.” Inherent in gratitude is kindness.
Thanks for saying it so well.
.-= Ironic Mom´s last blog ..Happy Herding Cats Day =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I lost track of all my favorite blogs when I took an Internet hiatus. Glad to have found you again (I used to blog at Gay Girl, The Pajama Mama, The Imperfect Christian and ran the Crazy Hip Blog Mamas). And you’re right, I hope they stop now. How cruel to attack someone instead of just waiting to see. It took TWO days for a media frenzy to settle on a huge accident we had that killed THREE young people this past July. Even the media takes time….unfortunately, cruelty is automatic.
.-= CJ´s last blog ..Come On Now! =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I agree with you so much. When something awesome happens, I post it. When something awful happens to me? It’s going to be posted. Because I NEED my friends, I need that support, and I need those prayers. When I saw some of the things people were writing to Sherrie on Twitter, I was enraged. Literally could have thrown something across the room. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel, and some of the things that were said weren’t just rude, they were CRUEL. As if Sherrie needs more pain in her life right now. What is so wrong with assuming people are good instead of bad? We should be supporting each other, not trying to tear other people down.
.-= Rachael´s last blog ..I am SO outnumbered =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Great post Karen! Very well written. Our online community is pretty amazing. I know that not every one gets it, understands it, but for those of us that are a part of it, we are the blessed ones. The majority of my friends are on-line, and just because I may only see them IRL once or twice a year doesn’t make them less real. I wish others could understand that.
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..From my family to yours… =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I agree, I AGREE! It seems like a lot of the time, we’re all so quick to be snippy and judgmental.
Amazing post Karen!
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Four Years Baby! =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I’m sad for a society who twitters such things within the hour of them happening.
I’m sad for a society who thinks the computer and the people who live inside it are their first line of comfort.
I’m sad for a society in which there are people who immediately react by being mean when the whole thing wasn’t their business anyway.
I’m sad for a society where within hours of a tragedy the unfortunate person is having internet bitchslaps with people on twitter. And not just that people are bothering her but the fact that she is responding…
I’m sad I live in a society where people don’t have to be who they really are which causes people to question everyone.
I’m sad to live in a society where the concept of privacy and discretion doesn’t seem to exist anymore.
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world where kindness is king and people wouldn’t say anything if they didn’t have anything nice to say? But there are checks and balances in this world…thank God for that. Because if it wasn’t for “those mean people with questions,” nobody would have to be responsible for anything they do or say.
I’m sad that our society is heading towards a place where people do not form up close and personal bonds…where soon there will be no face-to-face…and everyone you “love” is someone you have never met in person.
All I’m saying here is I find it odd. I don’t trust the internet and I most especially do not and will never understand people who treat it like their 900 best friends live in it and it’s the first place they turn to when bad things happen.
None of that was passive-aggressive nor is it aggressive-aggressive. It’s how I feel about it all and I’ll never be the kind of person who apologises for not being sweet and nice and unquestioning. It’s sad thing that happened and it’s a sad statement on society that you even have to write this post to begin with. I wish her the absolute best and I’m sorry for her loss.
Also, it’s why I would NEVER EVER EVER blog about any tragedy that might, God forbid, happen in my life.
.-= Donna´s last blog ..And for my next trick… =-.
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Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:
December 15th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
@Donna, why can’t the internet and the people online be someone’s first line of comfort? I am glad that you have never felt alone, but some people have no support in the everyday people around them. Some people ARE alone. That is what makes the internet community such a wonderful thing — that we are THERE for each other. We don’t judge. We don’t question. We are just there.
So many times I have felt better in the midst of a bad situation because someone “in the computer” got it while the people around me didn’t, or maybe didn’t get it enough. I’m lucky enough to have support on- and offline, but some aren’t.
It’s your personal choice to not blog about the tragedies that affect you. Personally, I believe that that is what blogging IS: being real, honest, and talking about the good AND the bad.
I hope that you never feel alone, that you never experience a tragedy or incident where you have no one to talk to face to face. But if you do, I hope that you will reach out to your online friends, because they do care.
.-= Elizabeth Kaylene´s last blog ..The Last Laugh: Chapter 1 =-.
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bluepaintred Reply:
December 15th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
@Donna, I took her first tweet, the one asking for prayer to be that she had written it as he was under the care of rescue workers. Im not religious, but I understand that in a time of fear or something, having a large group of people all sending prayers for the same thing would be comforting.
I was under the impression that he had not yet passed on when she tweeted the prayer request.
.-= bluepaintred´s last blog ..Excitement. I has it =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I agree with everything you said. Thank you
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Wow, Karen. I was thinking about all this yesterday when I saw the news about Shellie’s son. I think it’s great that you posted this.
.-= Kim Tracy Prince´s last blog ..Ten Things I Thought While Waiting in Line To Take Pictures With Santa =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
I agree with you, Karen. I too have found this online community to be one I can turn to when i am home, alone, with two children, frustrated, lonely, or have a concern or question about something. I find an enormous amount of comfort knowing “someone” is out there to listen, and I don’t think there is anything “sad” about that. I also don’t think there is anything “sad” about my brother meeting and falling in love with the woman of his dreams, who without this (very real) online connection, would not now be happily married and expecting their second child next summer.
I think it comes down to this: some people “get it” and some people don’t. It’s truly pointless and fruitless to try to explain it to someone who doesn’t.
I “get it”.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
You know I get this. Loud, clear. We all need to work harder on kindness, on privileging kindness over rightness. You are so, so right.
And Donna: why does it matter to you how other people love, where other people find their support? What seems odd to you is just a matter of course for anyone who is isolated, who lives far away from their family, who does not have close friends within shouting distance, who has met – virtually or otherwise – and bonded with someone who does not live next door to them.
I take my community where I can find it. I take my love where I can find it. If that’s not your style, that’s fine – but the fact that it’s not your style doesn’t make it sad or wrong.
.-= Her Bad Mother´s last blog ..Sometimes It Feels Like, Santa Is Watching Me =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Are you serious? Someone actually questioned that poor woman, as if she were lying about something like that?
People need to get real. No one makes that kind of stuff up.
My heart goes out to her, and to the people who are so coldhearted they would harass a grieving mother.
Thank you for posting this, Karen. Screw anyone who is offended by it. I am outraged that people could be so heartless.
Hugs and love to the grieving family. I am so, so sorry for your loss.
.-= Elizabeth Kaylene´s last blog ..The Last Laugh: Chapter 1 =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
As a mother, I couldn’t imagine taking to the Internet upon suffering the worst tragedy I can think of. I don’t think I’m alone in that. That said, people are all unique and I would never judge someone in their actions during what I can only imagine to be the biggest nightmare of their life.
There have been some awful hoaxes online in the last few years, and these events have made us skeptics. I don’t know that protecting our own intelligence is necessarily “mean”, though the public scrutiny is. I do hope it stops.
But we can’t change what is. The world is a hostile place. Best we can do is control our own behaviour.
(and you shouldn’t feel the need to take your post down. Differing opinions make for interesting discourse.)
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
The wonderful thing about twitter and blogging and all that is that when something happens, and God forbid nothing like this happens to any of us, you want to tell your friends. You WANT the support. But then again you don’t want it. You don’t want to hear the sadness in their voices cause it may be more than you can bear.
So you tweet it. You facebook it. You blog it. To get it out, to tell others so it seems real or not so big or whatever we as social beings need to help process this news. And then you can read the replies or just close the laptop and walk away.
I totally understand someone twittering this. Yes there have been fraudsters (wasn’t there a woman who pretended to have a sick baby or something?) but I believe that the majority of people are good and honest.
My heart goes out to this mum. I just can’t even comprehend what she is going through.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Nicely done!
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Reality of an empty nest =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
My step-dad died two days after Thanksgiving and it was the most heart wrenching thing I have gone through in my entire life. I was there with him at his death bed over Thanksgiving and was there with him when he died. I decided to Tweet about it after it happened. It felt a little weird to share something so personal and painful but it actually helped. I do have friends on Twitter and it was really nice to know that they were there sending good thoughts my way. Virtual hugs really do help, believe it or not. They may not be as good as the real thing, but they did help me that day. I can understand people feeling odd about sharing these kinds of things but I don’t think people should judge, either. Shame on those people who have made this poor woman feel badly after such a terrible loss.
.-= Moni´s last blog ..Checking in =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
great post.. great thoughts.. and people who don’t blog, or aren’t a part of our community and our friendship, will NEVER get it. they can’t possibly understand the ways in which we lean on one another- or need eachother in all times, good and especially bad. you know?
i agree about the nice… just be fucking nice people.
.-= jennster´s last blog ..the holiday party that wasn’t =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
I have always found something wrong with Twitter. While social media pundits glorify this new way of interaction, they forget to examine the weak parts. Twitter is organized chaos, like chatting in the middle of Times Square. Who can really have a normal conversation with 140 characters, and with a pace so fast that by the time you answer, the other person’s comment is off the page? Twitter is never going to be a relaxing place. True friendship will have to occur on IM or phone conversations, or in person. You can only get a taste of a person on Twitter, like a first or second date. People joke around and speak off the cuff, and I am as guilty of that as anyone. I say things to people that I would never say to them in public because it would just seem rude or aggressive. That said, there is a certain amount of respect and care that must come into play when you interact with others. I may joke with you, but I still basically like you. Things may be edgier and cruder here, and I don’t think this will ever change. Twitter will never be a bastion of “kindness,” — but we still have to remember that we are people behind these words, and be respectful.
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December 15th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
U suck cuz ur stoopid. I don’t understand why your even talkin bout this.
Oh, dang, you know me, I can’t resist being goofy even about a serious subject. There are plenty of times I want to get all up in people’s business, but I do try to be kind. I will give people an eyeful if they mess with mah people, but even then I try to do it in an educational, rather than horrible, way.
PS I love you
.-= Suebob´s last blog ..Best Blog Challenge =-.
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December 15th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Love, love, love this post.
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December 16th, 2009 at 7:04 am
I would rather be compassionate and end up looking stupid than cruel.
Period.
And just like my children… I loved you before I met you. xo
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Ten. =-.
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December 16th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Thank your for writing exactly what I’ve been thinking.
.-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Viagra =-.
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December 16th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Shellie is an important part of my life. She is a friend, she is part owner of our community online and it just happened to be that the internet is the quickest way to disseminate the information versus 200 phone calls.
It allowed all of us that are friends and family to immediately take action with zero wait and start the outpouring of love she needed in a moments notice.
What really affects me is that those that expected some sort of validity to a strangers story. Her words were meant for those that knew her, that loved her, those she needed. I can guarantee it was easier for me to pick up the phone that moment then it was for her. The audacity that anyone would even take the time to butt in and judge her or question, regardless of if “they” thought it was true or not, is beyond me.
There is no happy ending. In this case, it was true and there were people that basically looked like the biggest douche of all time preying on a mother.
Instead of taking the questions to the keyboard, people need to just move on if they have nothing valid to contribute.
In your case and your story, in her case, and in hundreds like it, what you need is support and love, not feuding with random internet strangers that should be spending their time fixing whatever made them so cynical.
Trisha
.-= trisha´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
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December 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
This is fantastic.
I’m going to have to bookmark it so when I start feeling cruel and vindictive and pissed off at the world I’ll be able to remind myself that pleasant experiences are the best ones, no matter how big or small.
Thanks for this, it’s invaluable in our hustle-and-bustle flow of life these Holidays.
.-= lovenursing´s last blog ..Where I’ve Been: A Recap =-.
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December 16th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I’ve never been here before but I followed the link from Britt’s blog and have to comment…
This is a beautifully written post and sooo true. It’s making me cry thinking how true this is. We are so hard on everyone. We are way too quick to judge when we don’t know the situation at all. I know and read about so many people that are doing it rough at the moment and a bit of compassion, understanding and help would such a long way.
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December 16th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Thank you for writing this. I can’t believe the kinds of comments I see sometimes, and in this situation? Unforgivable. My heart is breaking for Shellie, whom I’ve never met. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.
.-= threeundertwo´s last blog ..The Charms of Christmas =-.
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December 16th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
My thoughts are too complicated by past events for me to intelligently and more objectively put my thoughts out into blogland, but I just hope Military Mom does know people care about her and are genuinely sorry for her loss.
.-= Poppy´s last blog ..Please. =-.
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December 16th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I really appreciated this post. It is heartbreaking about Military Mom. Heartbreaking is actually an understatement.
And a few bloggers are negative and mean spirited person but the blogging community as a whole is positive, generous and kind hearted. And yes, being kind over being right is such a wonderful (and achievable) mantra.
.-= JennyMac´s last blog ..Talk dirty to me =-.
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December 16th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
I had no idea there was some sort of “controversy” around this.
I think to a large degree, in times of crisis, we naturally turn to the easiest form of communication we can find. For some it is face to face, for some a phone call, for some texting… and it doesn’t surprise me that Twitter can be added to the list.
I’m all for being kinder and maintaining kindness as the rule instead of as an exception.
.-= NYCWD´s last blog ..I Shall Call Him Twiki… And He Is Good =-.
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December 17th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I think you’re in the vast majority. I only know of one or two bad eggs mis-tweeting her at the moment, and I think/hope they’re basically blackballed. I know I definitely blocked them!
Hugs to @military_mom
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December 17th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I’m happy that I haven’t seen any of the questioning or attacks on her yet. How horrible would that be??? 90% of my friends live away, if a tragety like that hit me I would be on Twitter for support and care.
.-= Summer´s last blog ..Some Days I Just Scream =-.
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December 18th, 2009 at 11:11 am
This weblog is being featured in Five Star Friday’s 84th edition – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/12/five-star-fridays-edition-84.html
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December 18th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Well said! Very well said.
.-= punkinmama´s last blog ..ketchup, catsup, catch-up =-.
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December 21st, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I could just copy and paste this since it’s what I’d want to say, just not nearly as eloquently. Well done, my friend. My FRIEND. My real life friend, Karen. I never even put you in some “community” because it’s far beyond that. Love you.
I hope Shellie is healing and can get past the assholes on the internet who spew hate and narcissistic assholery.
.-= Mocha´s last blog ..C’mere, 2009. Gimme a Kiss. =-.
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December 21st, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Bravo! I deleted my Twitter account last week because of this type of thing. The cruelty was wearing me down. I couldn’t stand watching someone’s heart being ripped out by evil people. It was a relief to be free of all the ugliness, but I really miss having that contact with so many smart and witty people throughout the day. It was nice to be able to “talk” to someone who could reply in full sentences.
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December 22nd, 2009 at 6:35 am
I left Twitter a while back. Friends of mine just used it to fight with one another and I got sick of it. I can’t believe a woman who has lost her child was subjected to such nonsense. It’s appalling.
I couldn’t agree more – to be kind is the most important thing in the world.
.-= Selma´s last blog ..The Christmas Skaters =-.
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