I Hope I Made The Right Choice

October 28, 2009 I Love My Family,Sugarpants Family,SugarSpawn

When I woke up today, I did not think I had to make a definite decision on whether to vaccinate my kids against H1N1 or not.  All this time I’ve been leaning towards not getting them vaccinated, only because we don’t have enough information and the information we do have is conflicting and scary.  I’m not the type to buy into hype, and goodness knows the media has hyped this up at an incredible rate.

This morning I read the story of a 13 year old boy, who was otherwise healthy, who died from Swine Flu on Monday night.  Evan Frustaglio played hockey, like Dylan.

I called Dylan’s cardiologist in the hopes of having him give me “the right answer” as to whether Dylan should have the H1N1 flu shot or not.  (Dylan had Kawasaki’s Disease as a baby and his story is here if you don’t know it.  He has gone from 2 to 1 aneurysm in his heart since I wrote that)  Of course most doctors in our litigious society will not tell you one way or the other if you should, but two of the major symptoms of swine flu that stuck in my mind are: a severe cough, and chest pain.

I can’t even tell you how much Dylan’s aneurysm scares the shit out of me on a normal day.  The threat of it rupturing is on my mind a lot more than I let on.  It’s not something I dwell on, just like I don’t dwell on the fact that my husband works with half a million volts on any given day.  Dylan leads a normal 10 year old’s life, plays full contact hockey, wants to play football, is active at school and at home. So why would a cough worry me so?

Well it’s the unknown, I suppose.

The cardiologist’s office said, “there is no reason for Dylan not to get the shot. It remains a personal decision.”

*sigh*

I’m not gonna lie to you.  I cried after that phone call.  I cried because for the first time, I truly did not know what was best for my kid. Even when we were 5 days in when he was sick with KD as an infant and the doctors thought they knew what was wrong with him, I knew what to do when they told me the possible diagnosis.

Like many parents today, I don’t know that this H1N1 flu shot is the best thing.  On the other hand, my instincts, however unscientific they are, tell me that this chest pain, severe cough, and any sort of respiratory trouble could be fatal.  I’m not a doctor but I really think this flu, this horrible piece of fucking shit swine flu, could kill my son.  I hate how worried everyone is.  I hate how scary it is.  I hate thinking the worst.  I hate that I feel guilty for adding Thomas to our Family Shot Roster to protect his brother.

I pulled myself together and called Granny.  I hate to cry on the phone to Granny because as much as she loves me, I sure don’t want to worry her but she is the closest thing to my Mom and well, I needed her.

I cried again after we hung up.  She didn’t know what to do either. She tried to comfort me but she really had no answers, even for herself and Papa.

Daren and I talked it out and decided the whole family would get the shot.  The fear of the flu attacking our already vulnerable son was outweighing the fear of the unknown with this shot.  My instincts were strong in that direction though not certain, but they’re been right so many times before.

The kids and I stood in line at the only local H1N1 shot clinic I was aware of, for nearly 3 hours, and only the kids qualified for this round of shots.  The clinic was for high risk people, 65 and older, and 3 month – 5 year old children.  (I will have to see my doctor (I have the appointment) and Daren can get the shot at work.)

A volunteer came by with a clipboard and asked, “What are we doing here today?”

I pointed to Thomas and said, “Well, he’s 5,” and the man checked off the box for his age group. “and this guy,” I said as I put my arm around Dylan’s shoulders, “has an aneurysm in his heart.”

The man checked off  ‘Heart Disease,’ and handed me the clipboard.  I bit my lip to fight back tears as I filled out the rest of the boys’ information and prayed.

I could tell you how I nearly cried yet again when Thomas lost all the colour in his face once the nurse poked him with the needle. How worried I’ve been since they got their shots. How I have been watching them non-stop all evening, checked on them at least 5 times since bedtime and how worried I am that they both have headaches, are sweating (but not feverish) and how I fought back more tears just now when Thomas cried out in his sleep and looked so so sad and tiny in his bed.

I doubt I will sleep tonight.  I won’t be able to, watching my sons sleep, listening to their breathing.  I’m worried beyond any normal day, any normal night.  Beyond the aneurysm, beyond scrapes and bruises, beyond hard hits in hockey and wrestling on the lawn.  It was very difficult to look in their trusting eyes and know for certain that I did the right thing.

Oh how I hope I did.

I know this is a touchy subject and that many parents are scared.  Many more are certain of their decision and have very strong opinions one way or another.  While I’m interested to hear your stories of how you came to your decision for your family, what I don’t want to hear is any sort of disrespect in the comments on the matter.  It’s a tough enough decision without being criticized for it, and what works for one family might not be right for another.  Thanks for your co-operation.

Wordless Wednesday: Any Given Sunday

I Take Pictures

Still practicing on the Sony Alpha 330 – a DSLR I lust after. (It’s on loan from Sony and I love it.)

The Closest Thing To Perfection

October 27, 2009 SugarHubs

This past weekend, I flew into the skies of Americus to attend Avitaween, put on by Adam.  I had a wonderful time and got to see many of my favorite internet creatures, live and in the flesh, some of them in their own habitat.  Hilly was kind enough to open her home to me and we had a blast driving around shitty Florida.  While I love my friends, I can say with 100% certainty that I will always love Texas and California better than any other state and shitty Florida makes me weep for mankind.  This post is not about that (which is really just an inside joke so relax Floridians!), not the party, nor the people.  That will come later.

This post is about something that took me by surprise while I was there.

Thursday morning, after many arrangements had been made, Daren and I drove in the dark a half hour to the airport.  The scent of toothpaste and coffee swirling through the car, we sat close and still as the night air enveloped us.  His decision to take me to the airport himself was a little odd.  He normally lets me handle all the logistics and often times I’m left with a maxed out credit card due to the good ol’ fashioned ass raping of airport parking charges.

We spoke quietly here and there, but mostly it was a silent ride.  I sneaked glances at my husband in the dark as the occasional oncoming car lit up the silhouette of his face.  I reached my hand across the seat and set it on his lap.  Instinctively, he placed his hand over mine and I turned mine over to curl my fingers through his.  We’d done this a million times, on nearly every car ride we’d ever taken.

As I felt his warm hand squeeze mine, I became a little sad.  Sure I was excited to go on this vacation, but I really wished he could come with me.

We arrived at the airport and spent not enough time saying goodbye.  He would be late for work had I kept him any longer.  Normally I’m so excited to go where I’m going and caught up in the actual plans that those goodbyes leave him pining pretty hard for me, but this time I didn’t want to leave him.  I didn’t want to walk away from his warmth, his lips, those arms around me.

It hurt.  I ached.

Regardless of my silly girlhood crush on my husband, I had to say goodbye to him, and did.

Fast forward to the day of Adam’s party and I was a bit of a wreck.  That morning had started off all wrong when I woke up with a little bit of a headache.  By the time we got to breakfast, I was really suffering despite having taken 2 different kinds of medication.  After breakfast I took more pills and we headed to the craft store for supplies for our costumes.  (This is the part where I have to simply say Dave is a creative genius and explain in an actual party recap post later later.)

At some point during the craft store visit, I had to disappear to the ladies room.  The smiley pancake I had at IHOP felt like it was going to need an exorcism and I was so shaky I could barely function.  When I got back to the gang, they were asking me stuff and I was all dopey and could not focus.

I very nearly lost my shit in Jo-Anns.

There came a point where I had to make myself focus, God knows I’ve had enough of these stupid killer migraines that I know how to fake being normal.  I hit the cake decorating section to find a book for Dylan and my vision was so fucky it freaked me out.  It didn’t help that the lights were those super we-don’t-care-about-your-headache lights.  A number of times I thought I’d go down, but I mustered through.  I was even semi-bitchy to the cashier but she gave me 40% off despite that so yay.

Eventually we made it back to Hilly’s and I just laid on the couch in my jammies as Dave and Lisa worked on everyone’s costumes, bless their little hearts.  At one point Dave brought me a cool cloth (though he did tweet that he farted on it first, the bugger) and I think I passed out several times. p.s. Dave’s farts smell like rainbows and oxycontin.  So you know.

I really didn’t think I’d make it to Adam’s party.*

As I lay there, head pounding, all I wanted was Daren.  When I have a particularly bad migraine, he places his hand over my forehead and it truly feels better.  He rubs my back, snuggles, and I finally relax and fall asleep in his arms.  Lately I can’t get enough time with him because of his work and in those hours all I wanted was him.  So badly.

I can’t really describe that physical feeling other than it being an ache.  That ache lives in my arms, my back, my legs.  I needed his arms wrapped around me so badly, I hurt.  I needed that hand on my forehead.  We’ve been married 11+ years and even though it seems like forever, the whole time we’ve been married it’s felt new. Fresh. Easy.  We fit.  If I told you any more about this marriage, you probably wouldn’t believe me.  And that’s okay because I kinda like having this secret awesomeness that’s just him and I, yanno?

This whole achey thing is only weird because usually when I go away (or he does), I’m fine.  Sure I miss him but the physical aches?  Nah.  Though we’ve never been apart more than a week.

When he picked me up at the airport Sunday night, I could barely contain myself.  I had a stupid grin on my face as I walked out of the tiny airport and to my car where he was standing.  He opened the back hatch of my wagon and our boys, fresh from car slumber, turned around to see me kiss their father.

My heart really does soar at the thought of Daren.  My stomach flops when I know he is minutes from home.  I feel tingly when I know he is seconds from my lips.  The man fills my soul with everything he’s got.  I know, we’re so in love it’s totally gross.