Save the Drama For Your Mama
September 18, 2009
I am thirty-five years old.
I will not be censored here.
I will not be censored anywhere.
I have the good sense not to write about certain events, topics and people. I know when to gloss over a situation to make a point that doesn’t necessarily include details. I’m a smart motherblogger.
I also know that some people prefer not to share their life with the online world, whether it be Facebook, Twitter or a blog.
Live and let live, I say. I respect boundaries. I respect those I love. I always have.*
Those of us who do write online, understand each other in such raw, honest ways, that I would rather pour my heart out and find out I’m not alone than to suffer in silence. I like sharing my human-ness with others who appreciate a good story, a feeling, or imagery they can relate to.
I have met amazing people through blogging and experienced things I never would have otherwise had the opportunity to.
Every once in a while, a thorn catches me as I walk this path. Those who know me in real life think they have the right to dissect and criticize what is written here.
The lines are blurry. It’s so much like a one-way mirror. You can see in, but I can’t really see you, with your rawness hanging out. When I am physically with (or speaking on the phone with) the friends & family that read here, I have no idea what their deepest thoughts are. Nor do I know what motives they have for dissecting what’s here when they don’t subscribe to this same level of sharing themselves. They take and they take what I give, and inspect it for cracks. Sometimes, like tonight, it hurts.
I have been doing this for nearly 5 years. I started right around the same time my family reunited with me after a 15 year estrangement, which I can’t remember if I have discussed here before. It’s has never been a problem until now. At least it’s never been vocalized like it has been today.
For quite some time, none of my family read, aside from Daren. I have no idea if my in-laws read this still, or if old friends still pop in from time to time. NO IDEA. And you know what? I like not knowing.
It’s easier that way. I can write from my heart. I can write what I feel. I can write whatever I want, on any topic, and not feel like any of my loved ones will be hurt by it.
The other day, I did just that. I poured my heart out, and said exactly what I feel, including a paragraph about family drama. Said family drama was not brought to the forefront but I will say it has been going on TOO LONG and I’M TIRED. Does that give you, the reader, anything to go on? Um, NO.
Most of the feedback from that post was supportive & helpful. Some feedback was incredibly insulting, but that is the nature of writing about one’s life online and I can take that at face value – I’m a big girl.
I won’t lie to you: that was a very difficult post to write. For so very long I have held back an incredible amount from the online world but this year, the year I turned 35, I have decided that my stories, like yours, are important and valuable to this community and I will hold back no more. I find kinship and feel less alone when I am true to this craft. Having said that, I have been on pins and needles since I posted that entry, worried about what comments will say (read: awaiting trollage – which really, is good for a laugh at times) as I see them come in on my phone, though most lifted me up when I needed it most.
(Pssst: thank YOU.)
It’s been a stressful couple of days and one would imagine that at times like these, one could rely on the people who deem her worthy of their deepest, darkest feelings.
NOPE.
WRONG.
FORGET IT, SUGARPANTS.
I’ve also met judgment, ridicule and disdain in the last 48 hours and while I’d love to say horrible, nasty things to the people that have truly abandoned my soul while I’m deadly confused and waiting for AN ACTUAL DOCTOR to diagnose me, I won’t.
I will say this: I WON’T STOP WRITING.
See also: I won’t ever pretend to be someone I’m not.
I am a writer. I write about my life online. I share The Raw.
If, as my friends and family, you really want me to give something up despite all my safeguards, or censor something I love to do, something that is inherently a part of me, you’d better take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself why. Haven’t I always accepted you, in every capacity, at every turn, even at the ugliest moments of your life? Respect my boundaries as I respect yours. And if you can’t?
No one is forcing you to read about my life.
But if you insist on reading, if you really want to be a part of this for whatever reasons, then make an effort to understand me. Accept me as I am. Because I’m 35 years old now and you can’t teach an old bitch new tricks.
Oh and? I love you.
*the exceptions are my parents. if ever they find my blog and read it? tough shit. you made your beds.
September 18th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I left a comment on that post, but I wanted to say something here too.
I know exactly what it’s like to share your deepest, darkest, fears and expect those closest to you to have your back, only to be left hanging. It’s a scary thing to think that you might have something ‘wrong’ that you can’t control and is affecting your life.
My Hubs is dyslexic and in the days when we thought something was up w/ Jake, we had the same treatment. Ridicule. Judgment. It was so bad that at one point I considered suicide. I too am estranged from the craziness that is my family, and so I can relate.
Please know that for the few who have abandoned you, there are many more who don’t know you but are willing to listen and offer words of support.
(hugs)
PS..take care of yourself, huh? We need you here in the blogging world.
.-= Scattered Mom´s last blog ..Back To School=Extra Scattered Mom =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
thank you so much for sharing your story with me. and for sticking by as i walk this path.
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September 18th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
…just want you to know that I appreciate your writing, you are speaking very much the truth, and stand up for yourself and what you believe.
I hope my comment did not offend you.
Huge hugs.
.-= Krystle @snarkykisses´s last blog ..Stitcherooskie =-.
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
omg no! i was about to write you back! you’re fine, i promise!
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September 18th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
You’ve always got to be true to yourself. THAT, in the end, is all that matters.
I don’t know you as well as some, but from what I see you are a loving wife, mama, friend, cousin…etc. etc. So the internet can be scary. So can the real world – just look around. You’re doing everything you can to protect & safeguard (in *both* worlds), which is more than a lot of people do.
This is for YOU…stay true to you, and the ones that doubt/bitch/whatever? Meh. There will always be ‘those people’, no matter what you do or don’t do.
.-= Tug´s last blog ..Coors Field =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
so true. sage advice my friend. i need to let the shit roll away and not look back.
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Karen, there is a reason I don’t speak to my adoptive or bio family.
Sigh…it will get worse. Because down deep they don’t want you to get better, because they don’t like change. If you can get better, then they could, and it twigs them to that fact, and then—they realize they have choices.
And so they either have to shut you down and force you to stay in the same pattern, or cut you off. Isn’t family systems therapy JUST SO FUN?
Do what you have to do to keep it together. Ignore everyone else.
.-= Aurelia´s last blog ..Revelations =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
absolutely i will. thank you.
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I don’t understand people who feel the need to cut others down after they’ve put themselves out there and written such an emotional post. Asshats.
I’ve had to learn the hard lesson that sometimes the best family is the one you create for yourself. But even that, like everything in life, is not always perfect.
The wonderful thing about blogging is there will always be people here for you who think you’re just teh awesome. And if you start to fall, we’ll prop you back up, hand you a drink, and then head out on a troll hunting trip.
.-= PrincessJenn´s last blog ..Follow Friday: Good Readin’ Edition =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
hahaha thanks jenn.
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September 18th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
If I have to round up the California peeps to go kick some ass, you let me know. Cuz we’ll do it!
I think you’re awesome! And I love your courage and your honesty. You’re the real thing, woman!
xoxo
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
i try to be. i’ve decided to limit the negativity being shoved at me and it’s thanks to you all.
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September 18th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I really admire that you are able to write so honestly. Sometimes I wish that I had kept my mouth shut when I started writing a blog since I know that people I know read it and I feel the need to censor myself quite a bit. As you say – what you write is raw and open and I like it.
.-= Marilyn (ALotofLoves)´s last blog ..The Art of Love is Largely the Art of Persistance =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I guess i’ve decided that people can take me as i am, or not – whether they are family or not.
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September 19th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Sugarpanties, I dig this post so much because I can relate on my own level. When I was talking about my divorce and my sadness almost every day, Shawn and his friends/family were making assumptions and judging my whole life by those snippety blog moments that came and went like the wind. I almost censored myself until I made a blog post almost like this, explaining once again that I am not my blog and that people need to knock it the fuck off.
On the flip side, the bloggers we do know…we let them in a little bit and while some people get that it’s only “a little bit”, others presume that they have the right to be all up in it, making assumptions and telling us what to do. It sucks but it is the harsh reality.
I love you…just the way you are. So there’s that.
.-= Hilly´s last blog ..Girl, You Need To Mind Your Own… =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
omg i know. it’s a crazy world, this blogging thing. and when outsiders don’t understand, that’s really difficult.
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September 19th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Just because people are your family doesn’t mean you have to like them. You love them, sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them. Sometimes you don’t even love them. And that’s OK too.
I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself. No one has the right to tell you how you express YOUR feelings, YOUR experiences. That’s your story and you tell it as you see fit.
My mother doesn’t really understand how I can be so “open” with my writing, but I really don’t feel like I’m spilling my guts. I say nothing that I wouldn’t say to friends when we’re sitting around chatting. My brother, also a writer, has tried to explain to her that “that’s what writers do.”
It’s what we do. And if we do it well our guts will be hanging out all over the place. And we will get so much more in return.
Don’t sweat it too much for now. Figure out what’s going on with you and deal with that first. Fuck everyone else.
.-= Finn´s last blog ..So Far From Where I’ve Been =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
thank goodness for writers or there wouldn’t be any interesting stories in the world.
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September 19th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I don’t know how in my twirly traipses around the blog world I haven’t met you before now, but I’m glad that I have. I missed out on the drama, and I’m sorry that people are being ass-bags. Can I say ass-bags here? If I can’t, I’m sorry.
I’ve had a really tough time posting some of the less funny and more heartfelt stuff that I’ve felt free to post before for the same reasons you describe and it’s hard.
I’m really sorry and I’m so proud that you’re standing your ground. You need a hand cutting someone, I’m down. I got your back.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..I Believe That Children Are Our Future And Other Sausage Tales =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
you can always say assbags here, sugartits.
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September 19th, 2009 at 11:01 am
A-freaking-Men.
I think I may just send the link to this post to every damn relative and friend I have that has ever had their panties twist over what I write about on my blog.
Thanks for saying what I don’t have the balls to.
.-= Redneck Mommy´s last blog ..Why Blogging With Tissue Up Your Nose is a Bad Idea =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
and here i thought you had huge balls. seriously. you seem like you’re so brave about shit like this. it’s funny but when i was writing this, i thought of you and how open you are, how brave you are and anyone who cut you down for blogging be damned.
blogging bravados unite!
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September 19th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Thank you for saying what I have also been trying to say forever, only in a more talented, nicer way
xoxo love you!
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Things I Love Part Two =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
well i don’t know how it will be received but i’m standing my ground. xoxo
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September 19th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Its your blog to write what you bloody well want on it. I love the sheer honesty of your writing and I swear I love the person that I have got to know through this blog. Hopefully all this drama will be sorted soon enough. Best wishes to you.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..A Real Irish Wake…r.i.p =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
i hope so too J.
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September 19th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
It’s quite easy, really. If they can’t take it, they shouldn’t read it. Unfortunately, most people don’t look at it that way.
Good for you for not backing down.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..To Thine Own Self Be True… =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
thanks kelly.
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September 19th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Great post Karen!! I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself. I love you, ALWAYS! XOXOXOX
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Taking Back My Life =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
thanks sam. xo
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September 19th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I really enjoy your blog – in all its awesome rawness. I recently started blogging, and find it really hard to put myself out there. There is so much more that I want to say, but I’m so afraid of who might read it and what they might think. So I censor myself. I hope that one day I have your kind of courage.
.-= LeAnn´s last blog ..Morning Talks =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
thanks leann. i’m going to try to keep this up!
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September 19th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Funny that you wrote this yesterday and I wrote you TODAY with similar thoughts. Ish. I mean that the writing MUST GO ON.
And I love you for it. XO
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
yes, it must. MUST. xo
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September 20th, 2009 at 12:00 am
You know what? If your family makes a deal over what you wrote? Fuck them.
Harsh, I know and also easier said then done. But seriously? To say you are tired of the fight, exhausted from the drama and just want to hibernate and take a break from them all?
THERE IS PROBABLY A GOOD REASON FOR IT.
And before being all snooty and huffy puffy holier than thou offended, they should just take a look in the mirror and ask themselves how THEY contributed to you getting to this point.
Because really? I find that sooooooo much more offensive and hurtful and lame than one paragraph that you posted on your blog.
And if they read this and are still “offended” dude, you are so much better off without that in your life.
Plus? You have sarcastica as family and she’s awesome as all get out. Who needs more than that?
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Prettying things up for the neighbors =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
well i’ve been saying i’m DONE over and over. I guess this was my way of cementing it.
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September 20th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Hey, it’s not all kittens and rainbows, people. You are not a cafeteria plan.
I wrote about this <a href="http://themommyblog.net/index.php/blog/comments/going-open-kimono/"in 2004. The criticism has stopped since then – funny how everyone changes their mind after you’ve been on Oprah. From “you’re putting the family in danger” to “hey look, you’re amazing, don’t say anything bad about us! Heh.”
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..Into astrology? Say no more. =-.
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September 20th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Gah I can’t do a link properly. Here it is.
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..Into astrology? Say no more. =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
interesting how that played out huh?
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September 20th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Reason #1,453,932 that I don’t share my url with anyone I know in the real world.
It’s been my experience that when “family” ask you how you’re doing, they want you to lie to them and say “Fine,” not the truth.
.-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Work Sucks =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
i’m a bit of an open book again i guess. it’s their choice to read.
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September 21st, 2009 at 10:43 am
Please don’t stop writing, and don’t stop being raw in your writing (fake writing is not worth it, as I know you know). I’m an open-book person myself, so I understand what you’re saying. As you’ve said, it’s their choice to read, and they’ve made their beds. Just write what you have to write. Your readers and I thank you.
.-= Kristina´s last blog ..Very Violet: Christmas, Bonnet, and Prune-O =-.
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
thanks darlin. I’m so proud to know you.
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September 21st, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Great post and one that I can relate with at least on a small scale.
I’ve had periods in my life where, as a vocal person, been made to feel that I need to keep my mouth shut about various topics and subjects. And I know there are times and places to discuss certain things, but at the same time, if people can’t respect you and appreciate the person you are without you feeling like you have to change for them to accept you, then that’s where the line gets drawn.
Kudos and I hope you keep up the writing.
.-= martymankins´s last blog ..Scooter Sunday – Season 2 Ep. 12 =-.
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
thanks marty.
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September 21st, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I think your perspective is wonderful. I just discovered your blog a week ago and this post was so very interesting because a couple weeks ago I shared something with my audience so similar. Love for you to have a look. Check out my blog
izzypebblebottom.wordpress.com
The post “recognition”
Enjoy.
Kathryn
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Thanks Kathryn – I really enjoyed your take.
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September 21st, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I’m still here. I typically don’t unfollow good writers unless they begin focusing wholly on a single cause. Life is life, and we all have ups and downs. It’s entertaining and therapeutic to read it all. Sometimes we’re along for the ride, others we’re here to help lift you up. If I counted my life only by the good days, I’d only be about 12.
.-= RebTurtle´s last blog ..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – and pictures! =-.
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
So like, I shouldn’t change the focus of my blog to like, rap music or anything?
Also, I wish you MANY more good days.
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September 21st, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Yap your right, you should live by the way you want it to be. Set your rules and do what you think is right.
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Thanks James.
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September 22nd, 2009 at 3:21 am
Hurray for being loud and proud.
I love when I read people who are authentic to themselves, rawness and honesty and all.
.-= Nina´s last blog ..joy and miscellania =-.
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
*fist to the chest*
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September 22nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
I love you. Thank you for being so open here. It is a very good example. I’m feeling the need to open up a little more (*but I’m scared. Shhhhh.*)
.-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..I was just sitting here minding my own business… =-.
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Do it. If you want to do it here, you’re welcome to. Promise.
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September 23rd, 2009 at 7:55 am
Good for you for not giving up something you love!
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..If Avitable loses his beard and nobody’s there, is he still Avitable? =-.
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admin Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Thanks bud bud. I appreciate you being here.
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September 27th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Blogging gave me my voice back, that’s the truth. I still censor myself, but not nearly as much. I’m glad that you aren’t going to let anyone take your voice. It would be such a loss. To everyone.
.-= Faiqa´s last blog ..Nola Lily =-.
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October 20th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Authenticity is priceless.
Never give up you you are.
I censor myself sometimes. I would really rather not.
May you write whatever you want & need to!
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