I Can’t Concentrate Enough To Think of a Good Title for This Post. Just Please Don’t Laugh at Me.
September 17, 2009
I’m slipping.
Not into depression again, I’m sure.
This is something else. It’s different than last time.
I know I should call the doctor, explain my symptoms and just have her prescribe something or suggest something that will help me climb out of this fog.
I’m not interested in phone calls from friends & family. I would rather slice off my right arm than deal with the drama of being a part of this machine that is my family. I have shrunk into the background, trying desperately not to be pulled out. There’s a family thing in November and I hope that I feel better by then because if not, I really don’t want to go. I don’t want to talk to anyone in my family right now. Jess wants to come and visit and honestly, I’m not up for it. I feel like I had a whirlwind summer and I just want to hibernate like a motherfuckin’ bear.
I can’t handle the bills. We have enough money (I think) but I can’t handle the pressure of budgeting. This past week I blew an obscene amount of money on a Costco membership & on stuff we’ll use but really? We could have done without or waited and stuck to the regular grocery store. I want to take it all back and have a do-over but I’m too embarrassed. At least I have enough dishwasher detergent for the next 3 months. Right?
I’ve been gaining fat & losing muscle because I can’t seem to get to the gym. Every day I promise myself that ‘Tomorrow, tomorrow I will go and possibly run and do a weight circuit’ but tomorrow never comes and I feel like a bloated gazelle. I know I’m the type that if I don’t do some form of cardio, I’ll look 6 months pregnant. Which hello, I do right now. The weight thing is really bothering me because I worked so very hard to get to this point and now I can’t stop binging. I’m eating for no good reason and it has to stop because then I beat myself up over it big time and starve myself for as long as I can stand to. Oh yes, old habits die hard and I’m hovering at the same weight, give or take a couple of pounds on any given day. Good God, it scares me to admit that.
I interrupt when someone is talking to me. I say stupid things and regret them later. I replay conversations in my head and beat myself up for them. I think these things come with being a woman, no? Ha.
I’m putting off my work every single day and basically prefer to play games or hang with the kids. Which really, good for them, but not so good for my wallet. I’m happiest when I’m with the kids and feel very down when I have to sit down and work. I just don’t enjoy it anymore. I’ve got exciting projects on the go and I can’t seem to move forward. It’s like my feet are stuck in cement.
When I do sit down to work, I can’t focus. I’m everywhere. I can’t concentrate worth a shit and end up giving up. Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, texting, Twitter, etc etc. It’s nuts. Last week a friend took Thomas for a play date though and I hammered out 8 articles in 3 hours. It was like I needed the deadline of picking up my kid or something. Course 6 of those articles were long overdue, so there’s that.
I’m not sleeping very well at all. I can’t get to sleep at night and end up finally caving around 2 a.m. only to be exhausted, obviously, when I have to get up and get the kids ready for school.
When Daren is home, I’m Little Miss Snuggle Bunny. I just want to disappear into his arms and hide from the world.
In short, I’m lame as hell and paralyzed in doing anything about it.
But, still happy. I’ve just been feeling down when I think of all the shit that’s piling up. Then I skip away from that pile of shit and go have fun with my kids or my friends. But that pile of shit just sits there and more shit gets tossed on top of it. Thar she blows!
I’ve talked to friends about this in the past, suggested ADD, but they laughed at me. So I hid how I felt.
So I Googled some of these things last night and Adult ADD popped up. Again. In fact, it was the only thing to pop up with all those symptoms.
I know. Dr. Google is the devil. I’m aware. But listen.
This article seems to fit and I know myself well enough that I am pretty sure that’s what I’ve got. Aside from skipping the gym, this lack of concentration/motivation has been going on for over a long period of time. Course, the organic treatment is to eat well, get good sleep & get organized.
Yeah I laughed too. Cuz how the fuck am I supposed to do that if I can’t even shower till 2 p.m. everyday?
I feel as though I’m drowning. And for weeks I’ve put off calling the doctor.
It’s like a vicious cycle and the only way off is for me to pick up that phone and begin to fix it. I can’t explain to you why I can’t. I feel like if I go to an appointment, I’ll chicken out because I’m afraid she’s just going to say, “Listen lady, get your shit together and quit blaming this self-diagnosed bullshit you’ve convinced yourself you have.”
I’m so confused.
On top of all of this, I feel like you are all going to laugh at me when I hit publish.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Of course we won’t laugh at you – that’s a very understandable feeling. I hope you’re able to feel better and please be aware that you’re loved and we care about you, okay?
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Okay bud bud. I know. Thanks.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:37 am
I wouldn’t laugh because I know. I KNOW. Almost every word of this, and some others.
The energy that it is taking for me to NOT disappear is almost overwhelming at times.
Make the call. Keep hanging with your kids. Keep HANGING IN. PLEASE.
And I’ll try to do that same.
*curls pinky*
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Channeling Lyle Lovett: I know you know. xo
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Like anyone would laugh (and those that do are motherfuckers who don’t know you)… Honey, call your doctor. You’re not lame. You’re not fat. You’re not anything negative you might be thinking or feeling. You’re human. I love you BFF, and I want you to call your doctor. Don’t put it off any longer. You CAN do it. I might (not saying for sure) squeeze the shit (not literally, that’s just a term of endearment) out of you when I see you next month. THREE FUCKING YEARS SINCE I’VE SEEN YOU. Miss you like nuts (wait, I don’t miss nuts, as in nutsacs) and can’t wait to lay eyes on you. I want to party like it’s 1999 (no, actually more like 2002, that was a great year… the year I met you). XO
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Doc’s been called – appt October 1st.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:45 am
totally.get.every.word.
i’m doing the same things but instead, I’m sleeping and not playing with the kids – because if i have to play with one more damn Barbie, i’ll kill myself.
Here’s to finding your way out of this funky fog.
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
So glad I don’t have daughters, dude.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Hi Karen
This is the first time Ive popped over to read. What a raw and honest post. I can’t imagine that anyone would laugh at you, and if they do, let me know and I’ll kick them in the nuts.
Thank you for writing this… I see so much of myself in here… it’s hard to see but it’s good too see I’m not the only one.
Take care of yourself, Karen. Go see your doctor. Please. If that’s the only thing you do, do that. (not trying to lecture at all)
And I’m usually up til 4:30, so feel free to hit me up on Twitter anytime!
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Thanks and I think I grabbed your name on Twitter and I’m following you now!
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:49 am
“I interrupt when someone is talking to me. I say stupid things and regret them later. I replay conversations in my head and beat myself up for them.” Not sleeping, rehashing, inability to concentrate. Damn, I could quote all over this post, it’s too familiar. Especially right now.
I’m sorry Karen and no, I’m definitely not laughing.
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
So when is your appointment? Mine is October 1st. You know where to find me if you need to lean. Tho, if we’re both on the edge of the cliff, maybe we’re both fucked. Hahaha…
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katie Reply:
September 19th, 2009 at 5:32 am
hahahahahahahahahahaha…. *cough cough* oh I need a drink… oh yeah, we are both fucked.
But seriously, you have made me make my appointment. And that’s a good thing.
.-= katie´s last blog ..Don’t go forth and multiply =-.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Oy, I hope no one laughs at you! These sound like very real symptoms of something and you shouldn’t have to suffer. Thinking of you and hoping it all clears for you soon.
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Thanks.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
You sound a lot like me. (I sound like you?) I’ve been feeling a lot of the same – no sleep, not wanting to engage with family, exhaustion and yet almost hyperactivity in my head. It’s weird and disconcerting. I don’t think what you’re going through is funny at all. I think a call to the doctor may be a good idea.
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admin Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Are you going to call your doctor too? My appt is October 1st.
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Marilyn (ALotofLoves) Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I actually have been thinking about calling a doctor. But at the same time I don’t know. I find I feel like this for a few months and then it goes away. I usually just push through but lately I’ve been thinking I should just get checked out just in case.
.-= Marilyn (ALotofLoves)´s last blog ..The Art of Love is Largely the Art of Persistance =-.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Absolutely no laughing here, in fact there is nothing but commiseration. I understand your pain, and cope with it everyday. I have no good words of wisdom to offer as I have not been able to find my out of it yet, but know that you are not alone.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Which is why we blog, isn’t it? THanks for stopping by – I think part of me writing this was that I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Why would anyone laugh? I was in this same place about a year ago. And honestly? I went back to therapy and back on antidepressants. I also got a job that got me out of the house and forced me to follow a schedule. I’m so much better. You can be too. You just need to find what will work for you.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I start school September 2010 so that will help, but in the meantime…I work from home. I NEED to go back to the gym every morning like I used to.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:55 am
I am feeling the same way. I understand. You are not alone. I can’t explain it either and I really don’t want to talk about it.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
i hope you will talk about it to someone you trust.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:55 am
The symptoms you are having could be any number of things, but one thing is for sure, you need to call your doctor. You know something is wrong. Who cares what anyone else thinks? If your arm hurt and no one believed you, you’d still go to the doctor, right? This is the same. You are hurting and you need help.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I made the appointment.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:57 am
“I replay conversations in my head and beat myself up for them.”
Me too. All the time. I drive myself crazy sometimes.
I get this, Karen, just like everyone else does. No laughter. Just support.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
thanks katherine.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:57 am
i think the beauty of the internet is finding (usually) non-judgmental people who only have good thoughts and considerate suggestions for you.
with that said, i could have signed my name at the end of your post. for realz.
i have had years of denial, confusion, and a general feeling of “unwell” where i refused to admit that i needed intervention and assistance because i just couldn’t do it on my own.
i didn’t know what i was feeling, i thought that i was sick and the doctors couldn’t figure it out, blah blah blah.
i knew i was depressed, but i figured once that shit was all sorted out everything else would fall into place. as it turns out, i have anxiety clinging to my ass also. awesome.
anxiety is the devil. it plays itself out in many ways: lack of focus, binge eating, not wanting to be productive, dizziness, irritability, short tempered, not being able to settle, your brain moving a mile a minute and not shutting up. and many more.
this feeling of something not being right and you constantly trying to find a solution could be a number of things. anxiety is but one thought.
i hope for you happiness and peace. sorry for the novel. i give advice and opinions waaaaay better than i can sometimes do it for myself.
love and kindness,
andrea
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
thanks andrea – it’s really comforting to know there are so many people feeling this way.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:58 am
I am not sure if other bloggers know other bloggers but Michelle Lamar @whitetrashmom wrote about being dignoised with ADHD because of her daughter. Her article on Cafemom helped me get the help I needed. It is scary talking to a Dr that you used the computer to dignois yourself but they are those you can help you.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
i’ll have to look for that. thanks.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:58 am
I have ADD. Yes, you sound very much like me. When I was on my meds, I was a tornado of getting things done and organized. When hubby and I decided to have more kids, I let my scripts lapse, because meds not good for the babies. So, I have been off them for about four years now. I’m so far over my head it’s not funny. So, I’ll call the doc if you do. *smoochies and hugs*
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
i called. your turn.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Actually, I am now googling “adult ADD” because what you’re describing hits home with me. Please call the doctor. Best wishes.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
well if you’re getting an appointment, mr. lady suggested below about having him/her check your thyroid as well. I’m going to have my doc do that.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:00 am
This is where I’ve been since I got back from my post-BlogHer week at the beach. (And no, it is not the fault of either of those things. Just my own weird rhythms.)
I can’t accomplish anything, and what I do feels monumental. I’ve gained back five pounds of the 19 and I’m freaking the hell out.
Also not laughing. I’m glad you’re happy in the in-betweens. I kind of am, not sure what’s up. I made it back to the gym twice this week and last night I felt the pull to be there, it didn’t feel as painful every second.
And finally, I fit every description of adult ADD there is. I laugh at the “get organized” part though because as charming as I can be in other quarters (I think. When I’m not being, you know, a total bitch.
) I don’t know how. Or I do, intellectually, but I don’t know how to rock it out.
Thanks for this. I’ve been feeling pretty crazy over in my little corner of the world. I hope it helped you to write it as it did a lot of us to read it, so I see. Much love.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
so when are you calling your doctor? i did. it took me a day to do it but i did.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:06 am
i totally understand & would never laugh at someone reaching out. only offering my ears & love. hugs to you, sugartits…i mean sugarpants.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
hahaha sugartits. xo
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Sorry I haven’t been around lately. I’m still lurking, but had to pipe in on this.
You’re not alone. Call any of us when you need to. Focus only on the family and your work-and let the rest GO. Focus on you.
(((hugs)))
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
i don’t have time but i have made time for me. (much to the chagrin of my husband this past weekend)
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:11 am
You do know that one of the reasons women suffer as much as they do over stuff is that they don’t want to admit that they need help because they are afraid of looking weak or something. Please don’t suffer. We don’t think you are weak. We think you have a lot of stuff on your plate and need a chance to let yourself get back to a good place. Don’t be satisfied with just Dr. Google.
Blessings.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
so true. thanks selkie.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:12 am
No one is laughing sweetie. (if they do, they’ll have the california mafia on their ass pronto) I think that the best thing you can do RIGHT NOW is call your doctor. And if your doctor doesn’t listen, CALL ANOTHER ONE. Everyone has trouble but you are struggling and there is only so much we can do from here except ask and plead with you to talk to someone about this. You feel strongly about it, call. Go. Seek your answers. You know you have a support team right here.
xoxo
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
california mafia… *snort*
thanks babe.
i called.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I so understand what you are saying. The whole time I was reading your post I was nodding along in agreement. I am always afraid to lay it all out for my doctor because she will either A) Think I am crazy or B) Think I am CRAZ-EE. I am sure she won’t think either, but most days I think I must get my shit together. Sometimes it works, most of the time. Meh. ((hugs)))
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
i wrote my symptoms down and made the call. that helped. appt is oct 1st.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Wow. Just wow.
Are you me? Because I could have written every word of that except for the snuggle bunny part. Even that part of my life is malfunctioning at the moment and I’m completely lost in how to fix it. My doctor thinks my anxiety is out of control and we’re trying to fix that to see if brings everything else back into focus, but I’ve long suspected that I have ADD and now I’m going to end up googling too.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
so are you going back to your doctor then?
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:23 am
I’m sorry you feel alone – I hope you find some peace soon.
If your doctor tells you to get your shit together?
She isn’t a very good doctor.
All best thoughts to you –
Jessica
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
i know she wouldn’t. i always think the worst.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Eh, awful.
I know those feelings. And I have depression.
If you don’t I’m glad, just wanted to put it out there. Feel free to reject it.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
i had depression in the past but i’m certain this isn’t that. thanks hon.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:42 am
No laughing from me.
This is my first time reading your blog and I swear, it’s like you were reading my mind.
I could have written every word.
First, just knowing somebody else feels these things is very powerful – very reassuring.
I hope that you find comfort and some peace either with everything or just with knowing that there are many of us who care. I may not know you in person but your honesty – that says a lot about the type of person you are!
((((hugs))))
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
i’m astounded how many people said they could have written this. wow. it’s so comforting to not be alone.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:48 am
I’ve been in this exact same place for months now. You’re not alone.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
really? you? dude. have you gone to the doctor?
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Oh, I know those feelings. This rings very, very true to me. I don’t think anyone would be laughing at you. Most people have been there to some degree or another. I hope you get some help. Thank you for your honesty.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
thanks. i called the doc.
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:53 am
I feel every word of your post. I’ve been convinced for a long time that I have ADD as well. It’s the worst of any self defeating behaviour, absolutely. Hang in there. You can make it.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
so are you calling your doctor too?
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Well, I relate to so much of what you say. And I do have ADD. And I was so relieved when I put a name to it. It opened me up to so many resources.
One thing to keep in mind: Many docs and therapists aren’t particularly savvy about what ADD looks like in women. Might have to look around to find a practitioner who does get it. And who’s truly knowledgeable enough to sort out ADD and depression issues.
Related, it could be that someone does say, “Listen lady, get your shit together and quit blaming this self-diagnosed bullshit you’ve convinced yourself you have.” But you don’t have to listen! Best to find yourself another practitioner if someone speaks to you like that. Which they probably won’t. But you never know!
I’m a 50-something mom who blogs about life with ADD at http://headintheclouds.typepad.com. In the “New to ADD?” section on the right, I have a link to a chapter of “Delivered from Distraction.” A good place to start. I also really like the book “Women with Attention Deficit Disorder” by Sari Solden.
Wishing you the best of luck!
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
i’m bookmarking and checking your blog out asap! and yes, i made the appt. thank you for everything.
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Emma said you might need a visit, so here I am. I have ADHD inattentive and wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood, even though I had it my whole life, so I get what you are saying. Women are rarely diagnosed because we tend to be quieter and off in space whereas boys and men are much louder and disruptive and teachers tend to refer them for assessments more often.
The thing is with those symptoms, is that they do have to apply to you as a child, and not just as an adult. Your report cards should say things like, “Karen would do so much better if she would just apply herself,” or you will remember having problems in school getting assignments done, or having disorganized work habits.
As far as seeing your Doctor, yes, Doctors love to hand out antidepressants like pez to adults with ADHD, instead of stimulants, because as you will soon find out, there are many people in the real world who are seriously judgemental about the medications.
It is very important to see a Doctor who has been trained in assessing ADD and not just any shrink. Or God knows what they will say you have. Adults with ADHD are often diagnosed with other things first and put on multiple incorrect meds. Unfortunately, there aren’t many ADD specialists, but I know a few names if you want to email me and ask. another resource is CADDRA.
Also http://www.additudemag.com/ has some great stuff.
Again, if you need anything, just email. Happy to help. ((hugs))
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
i was always a procrastinator and did my homework at the last minute – leaving it right up until actual class time!
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Call a doctor. Get one of the kids to dial the phone and hand it to you. Get someone else to do it. Whatever. Just do it. Do it. Because the walls will come down if you don’t. And because you obviously are not comfortable with things the way they are.
I own two books on adult ADD from when my husband was misdiagnosed with it. E-mail me if you’d like me to send them along.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
i called and the appointment is october 1st. maybe if she agrees with me & starts treatment, then I’ll ask you for those books, okay? thanks finn. xoxo
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:53 am
No laughing. I can identify with so much of this. xo
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
and we certainly aren’t alone! wow.
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Anyone who would laugh at this is an asshole and no doctor worth a damn would just tell you to get your shit together. I hope you can find the strength to call and get some answers.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
thanks sherry for not sugar coating it.
i called. only cuz i thought you’d kick my ass. (kidding!)
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:58 am
i totally get it too, i’m sitting here in my bed hiding from the world.
take care and i’m thinking of you.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
oh jess. dear sweet jess… i hope you are okay.
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September 17th, 2009 at 9:58 am
KAREN. Dearholyfuck. I’m in the same spot. Shocked? No?
I, too, family drama and am drinking wine. Nightly. Like. A bottle. Blergh.
But, now, this isn’t about me, I know. I don’t want to make it that. But you know how we’re always alike? And how when I get in my insecure PMS phase I call you and you laugh at me and I feel better? I’m totally here for that. And I can relate to it all: The drama, the weight, the work. And I was even reminding myself something you said when we first started hanging out. “I had to stop drinking alcohol altogether. It wasn’t doing me a bit of good.” And I play that in my head.
So you’re inspirational and you’re keeping me going even if I don’t talk to you daily anymore. I still love you and hold you dear and you’re always pulling me forward, even when you don’t feel that same pull.
XOXO
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
i love you baby. call me!
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:02 am
every once in a while, i take my kids vyvance. and that’s when i realize how bad my add is.
you…sound like me.
and i’m not laughing.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
thanks melissa. it’s amazing how many are saying they feel this way.
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:02 am
No laughter here because I totally know exactly how you feel.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
((hugs))
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:14 am
I, like many on here, have the same feelings. Like you, I’m refusing to call the doctor but only because I don’t take medicine. As in, nothing.
I have lived w/ dizziness (an ear problem), tremors (tried beta blockers but couldn’t get out of bed for 2 days, so I’ll shake thankyouverymuch), and am now being poked, prodded and scanned because I hear my heartbeat in my other ear.
I am so over it all, I just want to yell ‘screw it’ and move on. I’m trying to get the nerve to return the call to schedule a CT w/ contrast, but just can’t bring myself to dial the phone.
It sucks to go through the doctor crap, but it’s necessary sometimes. Here’s the catch; it’s not just for you but also for those little ones that you prefer to spend all your time with. They deserve it.
I keep telling myself that daily.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
you don’t ever take medicine? what if it was your heart? would you then?
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Now I know why we clicked so well this past weekend! I totally could have written this post. Word for word. Except for the Daren part. I don’t have a Daren.
Anxiety Disorder? Got it. ADHD? Got it. But you know what? None of that matters. What matters is YOU. Celebrate who you are, because you are awesome! And lively! And funny! And a good mama!
Life is moment to moment. Leave those circles of thinking what could of been said or done behind you. And pull the good things in the future toward you. I’m training my brain to do that very thing. But it is possible.
I HEART YOU big time! If you ever need to talk, you’ve got my number. And there’s always Skype. Except I don’t have an iphone for Skype. And it’s not on blackberry yet. Damn my iphone lust!
xoxo
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
xoxoxo i think you are the bomb diggity yourself, there sweetness.
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September 17th, 2009 at 10:35 am
(finally got the computer working again)
Karen, I understand. Like I said on the phone, in NO WAY at all am I mad or upset or laughing at you. I love you. You’re gorgeous and strong and brave and you will get through this. I hope you call the doctor soon.
And if you can’t make it in November, I understand. Your health and well being comes first. And I am not angry that I’m not visiting when we planned, I’m TOTALLY cool with rescheduling until its a better time for both.
I love you, keep strong. xoxoxoxo
(if you need anything, CALL ME. I will listen
)
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
playing it by ear Cuz. Appt is Oct 1st.
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September 17th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I hope this purge helped. Sometimes a reset, whether it’s a check in or a check up, is really needed.
You can pull through this, and I for one wouldn’t waste the breath to laugh when instead I could say, You are so strong! We all feel shades of this, with darker things we could add. You are courageous and approaching the end of the suffocating tunnel.
Hang in there and use whatever crutches are available.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
it’s the darker things i worry about. i’m not there yet, but i am afraid of where my mind would go if i let this go on. doc has been called.
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September 17th, 2009 at 11:09 am
xoxoxo
My heart hurts because you hurt.
love you.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
xo
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September 17th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I’m sorry you are feeling like this, and I hope it gets better. Maybe speaking to somebody professional as well would help? It could help as much as a pill.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
ya i want to wait and see what doc says.
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September 17th, 2009 at 11:19 am
TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. I think most of us do. There’s just too much… shit. Constantly. The good, the bad, the crazy, the busy, the fun, the unthinkable… running circles in our heads and it’s tiring to even think about. Anytime you need an ear, I’m here for you. It’s the least I could do… return the favor and what not.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
thanks sugar. i’m always here for you too.
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September 17th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Thank you so much for sharing. Just thank you.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
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September 17th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Have you ever had your thyroid checked?? Sometimes when your thyroid is out of whack…you do get those same symptoms. It doesn’t hurt to get it checked.
(Oh and I also have ADHD inattentive type)
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
i did have it checked twice but that was 2+ years ago so I’m going to ask her to do it again.
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September 17th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I saw that you already made the appt, so I won’t say MAKE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT ALREADY.
I will say this, though: I’m right there with you. You know what I did? I killed my twitter account and my facebook account. And you know what? I feel one million times better.
I can’t filter, left to my own devices, so I just removed everything I’d need to filter if I could.
If I can help at all, you know where I am.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
i’m still totally shocked you did that. i’m not sure i could.
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September 17th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Nope, I’d never laugh. You’re brave for talking about it and even more for making the appointment. Just know, you are not alone.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
thanks issa. xo
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September 17th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Wish I had words, but I just have (((hugs))).
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
thanks laura!
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September 17th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
So not laughing. In fact, I’m sitting here crying. Again. I’m right there with you and wrote something similar this morning.
I’m glad you made a doctor’s appointment. After reading this, I did too. Thank you for that. *hugs & love & stuff*
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
(((hugs)))
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September 17th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I could have written this! I totally understand how you feel. I feel myself slipping away and I am sure that only my husband and my children would notice. Tear are welling up. I’m glad to see that you made an appointment. I know that I need to make one too, but…
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
so make one. if i could do it, feeling the way i have been, so can you. do it for yourself, your kids, your husband.
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September 17th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
All I can offer is my love and support.
You are so smart to know yourself this well.
xoxo
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
but it kills me not to have all the answers. i’m still learning, growing.
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September 17th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
I’ve been trying to get to this post ALL day! And now that I’m here, I have no magic words…but I would never laugh at you. I hope you do go through with an appointment with your doctor; if your dr doesn’t think it’s ADD, maybe she’ll have something else for you.
Hang in there. I have to say, I am so glad you’re finding joy, especially with your kids. I find that when I’m in my darkest moments, my boys can pull me out, at least a little bit.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
yeah mine too. they make me laugh daily.
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September 18th, 2009 at 2:15 am
No laughing, cos shit, it sounds like you’re going through it with this one.
*Hugs*
.-= Vic´s last blog ..Girl Talk Thursday: Grungy Undies* =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
i’m okayish, i just could be better.
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September 18th, 2009 at 4:45 am
How the world did I not see this yesterday?
Whatever it is that you have and whatever it is that you feel, I would never judge you. Ever.
Got it?
You are precious. Now…go see a doctor!
.-= Hilly´s last blog ..Girl, You Need To Mind Your Own… =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
okay i will!
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September 18th, 2009 at 5:05 am
DUDE. *HUGS*
I know how you’re feeling. This world of social media and working online CREATES this monster of which you speak. It’s impossible to concentrate because you (I) always wonder what *they’re* talking about and get totally sidetracked. Then two hours have been wasted and there’s nothing to show for it and it spirals from there.
I love you and I would NEVER laugh at you. (Okay, sometimes I would – and do – but not right now.)
Even though I’m going through shit too, I am always here for you. ALWAYS.
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Taking Back My Life =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
thanks sam. xo
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September 18th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Not laughing! *hugs*
.-= anne nahm´s last blog ..Stalky Anne =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
hugs back
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Not even close to laughing… because it sounds eerily similar to my own life, except I use blog reading as my distraction while you play with your kids. I just want it all to go away, want it to be easy – just for a little bit.
To be honest, I always just call myself a procrastinator… I never even considered ADD.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..This? Will be me tomorrow. =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
me too – but this being unmotivated is driving me mental. literally!
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:53 am
No giggles here. I can relate to what you’ve written. I think it’s the beginning of that pre-menopause crap. Some days I am dead on, motivated, and get shit done. Other days, I just know that something will turn up on the internets for me to take care of.
.-= karen.jersey´s last blog ..Back to School Night =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
oh man – pre-menopause? already?
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karen.jersey Reply:
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I’m 38. Is it possible? Christ, I hope not. Although, I sure could deal without this period shit.
.-= karen.jersey´s last blog ..The Reunion =-.
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September 18th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Definitely not a laughing matter. I always read, but never comment – please know that you have a lot of silent supporters out in the Interwebs cheering you on. You are an excellent mother, supah funny, very talented and all of that matters. Hopefully the docs can get you on the right path or head you in the right direction of feeling good – didn’t say “normal” because, um…what is that anyway?
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
thanks foo – i read you too but i suck at commenting. sorry doodle.
you’re doing so well lately!
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September 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Honey honey honey…
First of all, never ever would what you wrote be something to laugh at.
Second of all, I know absolutely positively 100% what your feeling… I’ve BEEN there, I KNOW what you mean when you say you’re not depressed but you can’t focus on anything, you can barely get out of bed, you’re happy, but you just keep pushing the snooze button; on everything, not just your alarm clock. The dishes? Meh, they can wait. The laundry? Meh, we can go nakey for a while. The bills? Meh, they can wait another week. The shopping? Yes, let’s go! But wait, I have to check my email and do my hair and get the mail and take a nap and fix something to eat and then you never get out the door for the shopping that you wanted to do, and then you get upset because now you DON’T want to go shopping because you’re upset with how you’ve kepting having a case of the, “I”ll start tomorrow. I’ll go to the gym tomorrow” and then you never do and then you’re terrified to go shopping because, “What if I have to buy a bigger size of clothes? And there are bills to be paid, and I can’t be spending all this extra money.” and then you feel sorry for yourself and go shopping anyways, and buy random things that aren’t necessarily needed and then you buy something that makes you happy and you feel good about what you did, then you realize that a bill is due and you don’t have the money to pay it and then you get upset emotionally and eat junk food, and then you worry about falling down your old tracks and gaining weight back that you worked so hard to lose and swore to yourself that you were never going to do it again, like you said last time and then, you sit at the computer all day/night because what else is there to do at that moment when it is only your computer, your husband, and your children that make you happy, but then you get upset that the dishes are piling up so you get mad at yourself that you are not doing what you always used to do, and…
Rinse and Repeat.
I am SO there, and I know exactly how you’re feeling.
Do know this… I have anxiety. I’m on meds. I have depression, which I believe is started from my anxiety, because when anxiety is uncontrolled, you Dr. Google everything and pretty much self diagnose yourself with prostate cancer when you’re a female, and so I’m on meds for depression as well. And, after thinking about how much focus I DIDN’T have at work, and how much I was all, “I’m going to go do this, but first I have to do this, and oh wait, I need to do this, but let me take this quick, and I’ll run here, come back, and then do that, and…” then you never complete the first thing you needed to get done in the first place because, either A) everything is half assed done and then it sends you into a tizzy because you’re overwhelmed at all the things that are staring at you that you have yet to finish or B) you are upset that you’ve become so lazy and have not done ANY of the things on your list today, or yesterday or the day before, but you decide to go shopping instead of doing the list of things at that time, and…
I get it.
I will say, I’m on 20mg of Adderall, two times a day and it is my miracle drug. MIRACLE! I’ve always swore to myself that I have/had ADHD/ADD because in school I was the text book version of the symptoms of it, and I’m still convinced I have it, but the Adderall helps tremendously, and I’m being treated with that for Narcolepsy. And it helps you sleep better at night and get a good restful sleep, and you actually feel like a human being when you wake up in the morning.
Oh, and if you want to clean your house?
Yeah, 1 of them there pills is all it takes.
Or, if you want to leave extremely long comments that ramble on and on and on about the same thing over and over and over again?
Yeah, take one of them babies.
They do wonders.
.-= Krystle @snarkykisses´s last blog ..Stitcherooskie =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
wow krystle! you’re so funny and you make this all sound manageable.
thanks. xoxo
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September 18th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Karen, I couldn’t possibly laugh because I couldn’t possibly manage it.
I could have written this post, except for maybe having enough for the bills. Mom called this morning to find out how much I’ll need to get by this morning—sort of hard to ditch family gatherings when they are keeping you afloat.
Everything you described fits the last couple years of my life. Can’t concentrate, can’t remember, don’t want to do anything, can’t be productive enough, can’t be around people.
In fact, and this is the absolute truth, last week with you all was the first time in YEARS I have felt comfortable in a group and didn’t want to run and hide from social over-stimulation. I know – we were totally loud and chatty and had a blast, but I could never had sustained that with any other group. There was something just very accepting and safe about it, and you especially made me feel welcome. I want to return the favor, if I can. In fact, I may come live with you and help out so I can get some friggin’ health care.
Oh, and? I was going to read the info in the link until I saw that the remedy is exercise, good sleeping, good eating, and organization. There is no way that shit is going to happen in this household.
I know I already talked with you about the treatment I’m getting, and I don’t advocate going there unless it’s pervasive, persistent, and interferes with your everyday functioning, but if it will in any way help, please do it, and I will be there to walk/talk you through it.
Thank you so much for being who you are – it was a balm to me to be able to hang out with you.
.-= Mindy´s last blog ..Kanye, Kanye, Kanye =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
god i love you. i know we’re back and forth on emails but i feel so blessed to have met you. you truly are so down to earth and awesome. xo
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September 18th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Have you talked to a Doc about the possibility of bipolar disorder? I was diagnosed 2 years ago, and with the right medications I am better able to function in life. Sure I still stumble, but I know there is help.
.-= Ms Batman´s last blog ..Hosting our first sleepover =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
i was tested for that a couple of years ago – no dice. i even went thru therapy and she said it was PTSD. i was treated for that and now this is completely different. so we’ll see what the doc says. my last doc in my old town was a ‘treat em and street em’ type – threw pills at me after a 5 minute convo. This one is a listener. I love her and I think she is a great doc. I’m sure her and I will figure it out.
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September 18th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Jaysus hon, I’d kicked the shit outta anyone who laughed at your pain. I know you will get through this as you have got through worse.My thoughts go out to you, Karen. Best wishes.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..A Real Irish Wake…r.i.p =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
thanks J. xo
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September 18th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Not laughing. I have a hubs with Dyslexia, a child with dyspraxia/learning disabilities, and I know that ADD is real.
Make the appointment.Don’t let this go because hon, you don’t have to live this way.
Shame on those friends for laughing at you. And the family thing? I totally get it. I’m estranged from mine as well.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
i made the appt. thanks hon.
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September 18th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
You are SO UNBELIEVABLY NOT ALONE. You’ve described 3/4ths of the people here online to support you.
Instead of laughing at you, I felt like crying with you. Not for sadness, but for describing myself.
Know I/we are here. Listening, waiting, supporting, loving.
And also here to help you waste some of your time.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..This? Is not OK: Happy Tres-Tres Birthday Edition =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
ya you guys are good at that. hahaha…
xoxo
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September 18th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Wow…I feel like that could be me you were writing about – I think it is great that you use this venue to channel your feelings – I am an instant fan – thanks so much!
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Thanks Melissa.
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September 18th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
so normally i read through comments before i open my (virtual) yap and add to the drivel, but i need to get off this damn computer. i love your writing, and i am going to “follow” you because i’m geeky like that. also, i am tired.
now, i’m not a doctor, but i will pretend to be one for the sake of the internet. and i did consider going to night school to learn spanish, so i practically AM a doctor. here’s my advice: go to a real doctor. get the tests/referrals/whatever you need to do to get an answer. on the day of your appointment, shower BEFORE 8am then you will definitely not chicken out, because hey, you’re already clean and dressed, and you’ll probably do your hair and stuff.
two things i have learned in my 29 years on earth: #1: tell everyone you are 29 when they ask (who cares if you’re actually 50? only someone with REALLY bad manners would be like, “you’re not 29.” and honestly, how rude.), #2: familes are fucked. i thought for a long time that i had to like people who shared my blood or were related by marriage. that is the dumbest rule ever, and the person who invented that rule should be shot.
.-= Stone Fox´s last blog ..Letters of Intent: Friday Sep 18, 2009 =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I think I love you.
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September 19th, 2009 at 2:47 am
I haven’t had a chance to read through the comments, but Aurelia over at No Matter How Small just blogged about adult ADD/ADHD.
http://nomatterhowsmall.blogspot.com/2009/09/revelations.html
Good luck.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Thank you!
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September 19th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I’m also right there with ya (with the exception of not being able to sleep). It’s actually quite comforting to see how many people have posted about being in the same spot, kinda depressing too.
Some day I will make an appointment too…but being self employed/wo insurance…well, complicates things. Some day.
Hang in there =)
.-= Lynn´s last blog ..New Print =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Ugh. I’m in Canada, so I’m lucky I guess.
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September 19th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Oh Karen, you describe my life right now. I went to the doc, got on Welbutrin and am now trying to figure out if it’s helping. It is, but it isn’t. It’s complicated. I hope no one laughed at you. Because that would be fucked up. I’m here if you need an ear. xoxo Me
.-= usedtobeme´s last blog ..Declaration =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Thanks lady. I hope you get your meds figured out.
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September 19th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
I love you, friend. I am sorry I’m not getting to this until now but I told you what blew up the day you wrote it.
I am so sorry…you DO sound like this is what is going on (I know a lot of people with it)
Lets talk on the first…it will be hard for us both. :S
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Prettying things up for the neighbors =-.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
for sure. it’s a dare.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
shit i meant date. not dare. that would be weird.
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September 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
thanks – i know where you are bud.
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September 21st, 2009 at 10:54 am
No one’s going to laugh. Most of us have been there–or are there. I hear you on the lack of concentration and the piling up of crap that needs to be done. And as for the family thing in Nov. don’t go if it will sap emotions. Not worth it for you or your family (and why in world would anyone get offended reading this post …). Hang in there. I understand. It will all be OK.
.-= Kristina´s last blog ..Very Violet: Christmas, Bonnet, and Prune-O =-.
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September 21st, 2009 at 11:38 pm
You had an interesting life, good for you. Not to mention the comedy behind it. Love your writings!
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September 22nd, 2009 at 7:48 pm
I have been reading your blog forever! Even through the several months where you didn’t really write, I faithfully checked your page almost everyday. I swear I’m not a stalker…well, maybe… but just a little!
I decided to write a comment because lately I’ve been feeling a little depressed. I’ve been trying to find a job for 6 months and everywhere I’ve applied I’m either overqualified for the position or don’t have to credentials necessary. It’s gotten to the point where I sit in my room all day and surf the internet or watch tv. I don’t eat. I don’t sleep. I don’t speak to anyone, whether it be on the phone or in person. People call. I don’t answer. People come by. I don’t bother to go to the door. I haven’t even checked the mail in GOD knows how long…
Needless to say, you’re not alone…
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September 27th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Oh, hon. I’ve suspected this about myself for a long time, too. I think I’m what professionals might term “high functioning.” Reading your post, though, resonated. A lot.
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September 30th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I feel like so many of us are in the same boat. I’m even getting panic attacks over MUFFIN RECIPES. I think it’s all the transitions that Fall brings. Among other things. But, I will say that this here blog design of yours is mighty feel-good. Beautiful. Hang in there, my friend. ((hugs))
.-= Haley-O (cheaty)´s last blog ..Reflections…. =-.
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September 30th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
I just want you to know that I am here, to be an ear, a shoulder, a friend. Anytime.
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September 30th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
BTW, I’m not a HUGE believer in the ADD thing. I think you just have a lot going on. That would be my unofficial diagnosis. Not that you asked for it. I just think I have what you have – so…, you know.
.-= Haley-O (cheaty)´s last blog ..Reflections…. =-.
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October 1st, 2009 at 3:49 am
Hi. I don’t know you, have never read any of your other posts and only just got here this morning because of a link.
As I read your post it was like reading the transcript of my own brain. Plus, I’m short too
I’ve been on meds for almost 2 years for adult ADD and SO many things are better and stronger – most importantly me. Not everything but many things and that’s better than nothing. It’s a little weird-feeling to have just posted that on a blog….oh well
If you’d like to chat you can email me. If not, that’s okay. Good luck to you and don’t be afraid to help yourself. I was for over 5 years after I “knew” what was wrong with me (via personal research too).
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October 1st, 2009 at 6:26 am
Got here via Avitable. I suffer, literally suffer, with bipolar disorder. It is crippling and some days, I don’t know how I am going to make it through. I know life has to seem overwhelming to you right now. I am so sorry you are suffering. Just know that people care…your comments are proof of that.
CP
.-= CP´s last blog ..Things you didn’t know about me… =-.
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October 1st, 2009 at 7:32 am
I’m a little too bonkers to ask Dr. Google what’s what.
I’m broken too.
inhale. exhale.
repeat.
that’s all I’ve got.
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..hiding. =-.
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October 1st, 2009 at 8:42 am
I struggle with a LOT of adult ADD symptoms (and struggled with the child symptoms when I was a child as well).
I don’t like to say I HAVE ADD, cuz then I might have to do something about it, but I don’t mind saying that I struggle with the symptoms.
.-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..A retrospective of Gabriel’s hair =-.
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October 1st, 2009 at 11:43 am
Coming from someone who’s had OCD (not ADD, but hear me out) her entire life, I know how tough it is to make that call to the doctor. And then to say, “Um, you might think this is crazy, but …”
You’re gonna feel so much better for just taking that step today, Sugarplum. Proud of you.
.-= mommypie´s last blog ..The Tooth Fairy’s first visit to the Pie House. =-.
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October 1st, 2009 at 11:45 am
And seriously. Are there any bloggers who DON’T have mental issues?
.-= mommypie´s last blog ..The Tooth Fairy’s first visit to the Pie House. =-.
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October 2nd, 2009 at 8:39 am
Oh honey… I soooo feel you! And I’m sorry… I hope your appointment went well yesterday – if you don’t like the person you saw, find someone esle, okay? Promise!
Sometimes life is just and up-down kind of thing. I too feel like I’m facing a mountain these days, and I have no energy or will to get started. I suck. But that’s okay too. Trying desperately to rectify some of this before the winter-sad sets in…
And if anyone laughs about this post, then he/she is a complete douchebag and will suffer a serious punch in the neck from this black kid in Montreal – true dat. Just say the word, babe. xox
.-= Grumble Girl´s last blog ..Mish-mash of Suck =-.
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October 21st, 2009 at 2:29 am
I can identify with a lot of this. Been a procrastinator my whole life. Hiding from paperwork.
Utilities stay on only because they’re auto-pay.
The ‘hiding from paperwork’ thing: gah!
I’ve had a serious mental block on dealing with a lot of my mail for AGES.
But mostly I’m a fairly carefree, happygolucky person. Which is tougher when thoughts of bills that need to be dealt with are impending. ;(
I self-diagnosed with nearly-ADD in college. I was maybe a symptom or two short of officially having it, though. The inattentive & organizational things are the biggest with me. I’m not an interrupter or blurter, generally, but the trip to Costco? Yeah, been there, too.
So, *HUGS* and good lucks. The Fazebook ditching = SMRT. So glad you have joy with your kiddos.
Hope the doc’s recommendations work out.
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