Why I’m Writing The Little Series
July 5, 2009
Many of us have survived hellish childhoods, inexplicably it seems, and it is a wonder how we turned out to be good people.
I wake up every morning, filled with amazement and joy. My life as an adult is a beautiful one for which I am grateful for. But somewhere inside me is a little girl who is grieving and sad, and I write these memories to help that little girl heal.
I immerse myself in the moments I can remember and simply write. It flows out of me once I’m wading through the smells and sights of those childhood days and I find the more I write, the more I remember.
What I’m learning is that my mother did the best with what she knew. The more I put my present self back into those memories, especially now as a mother myself, the more I understand her. She was an undiagnosed psychological mess, no doubt, and alcohol addiction certainly didn’t help her any. On the other hand, she once told me there were never two children in the world who were more loved, more wanted. I take comfort in knowing that. While she cannot be a part of my life now, the memories I have of her have layers of emotion, layers of complex issues that as a child, I didn’t know where even there. I’m filling in the gaps, so to speak, when I take a dip in the pool and slowly immerse myself.
Close friends are reading The Little Series and calling, emailing, wondering if I’m okay. Why would I suddenly pick up these stories and dive deep into such difficult times to uncover these layers at the risk of my own mental health?
I’ll tell you why. Because I’m ready. Every single thing in my life is balanced, happy, wonderful and safe. I’m at a place in my life where I have the luxury of swimming in this pool. Then I get out, dry off, and go about my day.
To get into the stories and let them flow, I really think back to those times. What was I wearing? What toys were in our rooms? What textures, smells, music were around me? For every part of this series thus far I have written the entry, gone back over it for hours and tried to pull details from the dusty archives of my mind by putting myself in my own childhood shoes. It’s an exercise I’ve never done before and I’m finding it very therapeutic and beautiful in a way, if that makes any sense.
Once the story is published, I go to bed (I’ve been writing late at night) and I honestly don’t think about it unless a comment rolls in. Friends have been wondering if I’m okay and I am, I swear. This doesn’t consume me – I’m definitely doing it for myself.
I guess this all started this past Mother’s Day. Every Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, birthday, I think about my mother and father. Hell just about a week ago, Daren phoned Dylan to cheer him up because Dylan had dental work and I could hear both sides of the conversation. It brought me to tears how close they are.
I wish I had that.
In recent years I’ve looked at my kids and realized how lucky they are to have such involved, loving parents. Certainly Daren and I are also doing the best with what we know, just like anybody else – but nowadays I think most people are better parents than their own parents were.
I wonder what they will remember about us. Will they recall me nagging them to clean their rooms, or taking the time to help them with a project? Will they recall family vacations? Daren taking shots on Dylan in the soccer net? Me reading Robert Munch for the 5 bazillionth time?
Anyway, I’m fine. Really. Just know I love your comments, your feedback, your emails. They are like icing on a multi-layer cake that I’m taking a really long time to make.
Here are the links, thus far:
July 6th, 2009 at 3:30 am
I ask the same question myself a lot. I know that from my own childhood I remember the shit more than the good, yet overall I don’t remember being a particularly unhappy child, if that makes any sense.
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July 6th, 2009 at 3:42 am
I understand what SciFi Dad is saying. I feel the same way and it doesn’t seem to make sense. It is what it is.
Thank you Karen for sharing your story with us. I am so glad you are at a place in your life that allows you to do so.
Hugs to you!
Mrs. Schmitty´s last blog ..Lady Liberty Rocks!
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July 6th, 2009 at 5:34 am
The little details in your recantations are incredible. You’re doing a great job of thrusting the reader into the archives of your mind. Feels so very real. I cried yesterday reading the story about the coke bottle. I wanted to come to Little’s rescue so badly. I’m so glad you’re getting so much out of sharing these stories.
karen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday
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July 6th, 2009 at 5:37 am
I need to look through your archives…
It is funny I remember when I had my daughter I thanked my mom because I was finally getting it. Motherhood is a tricky thing.
Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..Why bother mopping?
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July 6th, 2009 at 6:03 am
I’m glad you’re having such success with writing it, honestly. I had a good childhood, but of course, there were things that made parts of it ugly. I’ve blocked them out for the most part, but maybe someday I’ll be able to jump into that pool and free those stories like you.
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July 6th, 2009 at 6:22 am
I’m glad that you explained why you were writing these, not because I needed the explanation from you but because I needed it FOR me, if that makes sense?
I’m so angry and hurt every day of my life right now. I think maybe peeling back some of my layers might help me so thank you for this.
Hilly´s last blog ..Snackie Sunday: Meow, Woof, Chirp, Hiss And Oink…
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July 6th, 2009 at 6:33 am
As a father of one teenage daughter, I wonder at times how much appreciation of these years will be remembered when she’s older.
I know I try and create memorable experiences for her and trying my best to help when I can. And she’s a good kid, but I still wonder.
Thanks for posting these thoughts. Very well read from this reader.
martymankins´s last blog ..Happy 4th
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July 6th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I think it’s good, so good, that you’re letting it out. And letting it out so beautifully.
maggie, dammit´s last blog ..worry, crisco, fireflies, and faith
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July 6th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I’m glad that you are writing these, and I’m especially glad that you’re at a place in your life where you feel comfortable enough to do so.
Maria´s last blog ..The Obligatory BlogHer Post
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Our memories are not always accurate I’ve found. I have certain perceptions of my childhood which I’ve started to think about in more depth. Sadly my parents are both dead now so I can’t check things out. I’ve realised that my feelings and perceptions differ from some of the events I’ve remembered.
My daughter has confirmed this when she talks about certain things that happened when she was young. She just got the story wrong so often and was surprised when I corrected her. I wonder why our memories are not always accurate.
Winifred´s last blog ..Skywatch Friday – Old Rhodes Town
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I just started reading your blog recently.
Your series is beautifully written… exquisite in its emotional range, like poetry.
Mandy´s last blog ..Smokin’ Hot
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July 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I am glad that you are feeling strong enough to write this series. I know from experience, you can only look back at the shit things and feel ok with them, when your in a happy place.Does that even make sense…anyway Karen, I fully agree with you, I think most parents try harder than the last generation.
Thank so much for sharing. I swear you are a fucking brilliant writer, go girl and write that book…please!
J from Ireland´s last blog ..Irish Summer
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July 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
It never occurred to me that you were not OK. I know exactly what you’re doing and why.
As to people parenting better now than their parents did? I doubt it. Today’s children are not being taught responsibility very well. They are being taught that only how they feel and what they perceive is what matters and other people should behave as they do. That there are no winners or losers and why shouldn’t they have that great job? They tried hard!
Parents are so desperate to protect their kids these days from every possible form of harm that they are deprived from learing some of life’s harder lessons. Parents seem to want to protect children from simply feeling bad about themselves. For example, children can’t bring Valentine’s cards to school anymore lest Little Johnny not get one and feel “humiliated.” Children can’t bring birthday invitations to school unless there’s one for every child.
No.
When you reward mediocrity, you breed incompetence. And that is not better parenting.
Donna´s last blog ..Those late fees will kill ya
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July 6th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
PS: The children raised by my generation? Well, pretty much they say blow jobs are not sex. They have no sense of decorum or dignity. They think it’s ok to have children outside of marriage. And that is not better parenting on the part of people my age.
I wanted to be clear that it’s not just your generation of child rearing that’s wacked.
Donna´s last blog ..Those late fees will kill ya
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July 6th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I’m glad you’ve written this also, it’s written beautifully. I wish my daughter remembered more good, and hope that someday she will.
Tug´s last blog ..Reaching
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
My daughter is five and nearly every day I think about what she will remember from her childhood. If I ceased to exist what would remind her of me. That I like to cuddle her? That I sang her Johnny Cash even though it’s not always appropriate? Swimming in the pool? It boggles my mind.
What your doing is beautiful and amazing and I’m glad for you that you’re in a place where you can do it.
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July 6th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
You are an amazing writer. I am always impressed when a writer can take their own story and have it read like a novel. Bravo to you, not only for your writing skill, but your path to healing and dealing with your past.
I read your blog and breathe a deep sigh of relief that someone else also lies awake at night praying that she is doing a better job than her mother did. She knows that she is doing the best she can in her head, yet she wonders in her heart if she is somehow damaging her children in ways she cannot see. Because after all, didn’t her mother do the best she could?
I hear you, loud and clear, and even though I cannot know your particular brand of anguish, I do know this: you are acutely aware of what hurt you, and you are working hard at healing those hurts. You are getting stronger, and you are ending the cycle of pain. Your children are blessed to have you.
Sarah´s last blog ..Seinfeld
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July 7th, 2009 at 12:46 am
I’m glad you’re ready. Out of everyone, you’ll probably benefit the most from it. Your kids are lucky to have you.
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July 7th, 2009 at 3:18 am
Hey girl! I know you are at a safe happy place, therefore no time like the present to work through the little girl inside you, waiting to surface and and join your happiness.
You have an awesome supportive family, which I have witnessed first hand, and you have great friends around you…like me!! LOL
Seriously, I’m not literally by your side by no means right now, but I am here and am following Little blossom into the wonderful strong, outgoing person she grows up to be.
Keep up the writing Karen.
PS> Your parenting skills are just the way they should be. The kids will grow to admire you, just like they do now.
Love and miss you girl!
Nicole
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July 8th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
You’re so brave and truly inspiring. I love reading this series… it touches the deepest places in my heart. I know you’re doing it for you, but thank you for sharing all of it.
Faiqa´s last blog ..Nesting
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July 10th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Great series. I have been enjoying it. I’m sorry it comes from a place of sadness, but it’s great writing.
Wendy´s last blog ..Messages from the Mothership
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July 13th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I find these stories very immersive and emotive. Well done.
Ren´s last blog ..Macro Monday #18
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August 3rd, 2009 at 6:34 am
Hurrah for safe healing.
Al_Pal´s last blog ..My new creative outlet: Bread Puddings!
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August 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I can’t believe I’m just now reading this.
But I want to tell you – it’s a good thing you’re doing.
And I hope you know that.
Miss Britt´s last blog ..Where is HGTV and/or Jesus The Carpenter when you need them?
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