FML: Celebrity Edition
June 4, 2009
If you’re not already familiar with FML, it stands for F My Life, and it’s a website where people submit super short stories, that starts with Today… and ends with FML.
Example:
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML {source}
Guess the celebrities’ FML:
- Today, on an awards show, I was singing like the superstar I know I am, and when I sat down, a half naked dude dressed like a weird angel landed on me. He ended up upside down and my nose was basically right in his bare buttcrack. Everyone laughed. FML
- Today I walked out of the jungle reality show I’m on with my wife. I was the third time we tried to leave. My clothes will forever smell like eel goo, and I can’t stop screaming “Mommy Get Me Out Of Here!” in the middle of the night. My wife ate bugs while we were there and I can’t kiss her without thinking about it and gagging. Now we have to go back because of a contract she signed for us. FML
- Today I bought my boyfriend a boat. He thought it was awesome but asked me if my Dad paid for it. When I asked him why, he said, “because your work hasn’t sold in years.” My sister lent me the money. FML
- Today my girlfriend bought me a boat. I think she wants me to pop the question. She’s gonna have to buy her own ring, cuz I really don’t want to marry her – her Dad is nuts. I don’t know how to tell her. FML
- I now have 14 kids and I look like Angelina Jolie got run over by the Ugly Truck. FML
- Today I won an awesome award and I was so stoned I dropped it in front of everybody. I’m really itchy. FML
- I have 8 kids with a woman who hung my balls on a tree years ago, I dress like a 12 year old and can’t hold my liquor to save my life. I want my privacy, but I had to tell People magazine everything. My ex-wife to be made me do it. FML
Can you guess the celebs?
Got any to add?
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @ 9:23 pm
June 5th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Today my dad decided that I should run the family business when he’s ready to die. Not my older brothers but me. And he made the announcement on national TV and the media. The only problem is — my dad’s a fucking nutcase hated by world leaders. Which means that I’ll have to pick up the slack of diplomatic relations as well as continue North Korea’s continuing nuclear program amid protests across the planet. FML.
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June 5th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Eminem
Spencer
Jessica Simpson
Tony Romo
Octomom
Kristen Stewart
Jon (of J+K+8)
and one for you:
Today, I allowed myself to be held ransom by a no-talent comedian. Now my network has three talk shows every weeknight, and I’ll be fired by October.
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June 5th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Eminem, Pratt, don’t know the boat people, Octomom, and jon. i’m just wishing Jon would just come forward and spill the whole truth and get this charade over with. I have a feeling they’ve been separated forever and playing it up for the cameras.
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June 5th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Today I went on yet another tour date with my reunited band, cashing in on our success in the late 80s and early 90s. You wouldn’t think it’s a bad gig for someone like me in his early 40s. But while I think that I’ve actually made it big again, people still see me on stage and call me “Jordan Knight’s older brother.” He’s 39. FML
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June 5th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Today I got a call from “Weird Al” Yankovic’s people. It seems as if he wants to do a parody of “Viva la Vida” called “Viva Velveeta” which will make all of the members of Coldplay a lot of cash. But I’m not in Coldplay. I’m frickin’ Bono. FML
(This one can be abbreviated as “Today, I’m frickin’ Bono. FML)
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June 5th, 2009 at 7:56 am
One more for the road:
Today I called an old friend of my late Mom’s who still lives in Hawaii. While we were talking she mentioned how my Mom was all about fooling people and playing practical jokes. One of the jokes she played was forging a short-form certificate of birth for me and pretending that I was actually born in the USA while I was really born elsewhere. She was going to forge a long-form document as well, but she decided that she was bored halfway through. Now I’ve discovered that I wasn’t really born in the United States and I’m already president of the country. FML
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June 5th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Too funny!!
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