Here’s the Thing: Sex Edu-ma-cation

April 29, 2009 I Love My Family

So my 10 year old brought home a permission slip for me to sign, allowing him to participate in sex education at school.  Topics to be covered are puberty, the reproductive system, the importance of personal hygiene, and in his words, “the teacher is going to show the girls how to use a tampon!”

To which he immediately followed up with, “well not show them show them, but yanno, show them.”

Heh.

Here’s the thing.

There are certain topics that I would prefer to teach our children, ourselves.  Namely, sex and drugs come to mind.

Last year, a police officer came to school and talked to the kids about marijuana, cocaine, heroin and peer pressure.

Alright fine.  That’s great.  But they teach him about meth, prescription drugs, huffing, strawberry quick, or what to do if your very best friend in the whole wide world offers you any of the above? NO.  I did that.

Did the fact that the school taught my kid about drugs open up discussion in our home?  Not really.  Before he listened to that police officer, he listened to us.  He saw pictures of every drug I could think of.  He was told exactly what each drug would do to him, how it would make him feel, and informed of the risks involved, especially since trying meth once could kill him.  We assured him he could call us any time of day if he was in a situation and that we would not get mad.  We talked about situations and how he would handle them.

Enter, the sex talk.  We’ve always been very open with him, always answering any questions he has. He’s pretty well informed on anatomy anyway since he is a big reader, and we’ve talked to him a little about STD’s and stuff, trying to keep it age appropriate, etc.  The fact of the matter is, kids are performing sex acts at a younger age than we did and we felt we should inform him of the risks, as well as talk about respecting yourself and others.

“Are the kids at school all giggly about this unit?” I asked him.

“Yeah totally,” he laughed.

“Well if you have any questions at all about the unit, don’t hesitate to talk to Dad or I,” I offered.

He giggled.

“What?” I asked.

“You said unit,” he laughed.

I laughed too.  “Well if you have any questions about YOUR unit, take those to Dad.  He’s a unit expert.”

Anyway, I know there are families who don’t talk about anything in this regard, and I guess it’s good the school does cover it.  It just makes me sad that some kid’s parents refuse to talk to their kids about stuff.  My mother never ever explained anything to me.  I learned from friends and books, and maybe that’s why, in grade 6, I thought men and women had sex to make the hole bigger so the baby could come out.

True story.

Unlikely Friends

April 27, 2009 Friends

I have insane problems with anxiety when staying away from home. I hide it pretty well, but it often takes the form of an insecurity that comes out in stupid jokes and really nerdy laughter. And farts. And babbling about nothing.

Yeah I know I’m a nerd. I embrace my smartypantsness quite well, most of the time.

On a bit of a whim, Sam and I decided last Tuesday that we would travel to Casey’s, and I? Was terrified.

First off, I didn’t really know much about Casey except that she has a beautiful daughter Thomas’ age and she herself is absolutely stunning.  And she made me cry when I saw this last year, so I wrote to her and told her how brave I thought she was for telling her story.

Then I started reading her archives and find out she is Mormon. Devoted to her religion and her family.  One of my very best friends was Mormon before she met me. And no, I had nothing to do with her leaving the church a couple of years ago.  Pinky swear.

I am absolutely fascinated by religion.  All kinds.  I think the stories behind the beliefs and how the beliefs came to evolve and be what they are today is interesting to learn about.  Especially since I wasn’t raised in any sort of organized religion, unless my mother sending us to Sunday School so she could sleep in with her boyfriend of the week counts for something.

My Granny bought my brother and I a children’s version of  Bible stories and I read that book until it fell apart.  I believed, as a child, that if I read my bible, I would go to Heaven and the stories themselves had me lost in a world that was so unlike my own.  As a child, I prayed.  A lot.

Having said all that, religious people scare me to bits.

For some silly reason, with me not going to church as a child, teenager, & young woman, I developed a fear of the unknown.  I didn’t belong anywhere and so when it came to worshiping any sort of God, I didn’t fit.  And for some reason, I have this belief that religious people automatically will mistake my lack of religion as me being a bad person. That and they can somehow see into my soul. Uh yeah. I did say my fear was irrational.

Enter: Casey.

At the last minute, Ali was able to make the trip with us to Casey’s house, and her, Sam and I had a great drive up, laughing and talking.  Ali was instantly loved to bits by Sam and I and I’m fairly certain she wants to have lesbian babies with us loves us back.

All the way there, I kept wondering how I would be received by Casey.  She’s seen my potty mouth tweets, she knows I swear.  I drink Corona’s and lime on the weekends.   I have, on occasion, smoked things you can’t really buy in stores.  I wondered if she had let me tag along with Sam because she’s polite.

Internally, I was a mess. It doesn’t help that I’m approaching pms week and I always get insecure during that time.  Like DriveYourFriendsAliAndSamCrazyInTheCarInsecure.  I know.  22-25 days out of the month, I’m FINE.  For about a week I get an A for Annoying.

By the time we got there, it was pretty late and we all sort of were so tired and punchy, giggling all silly that we finally ended up going to bed after about an hour.   Casey was so sweet and welcoming and had us all set up for bed, and as I fell asleep (spooning Sam , of course), I couldn’t wait for the morning when I could get to know her a bit better in person.

Saturday morning, we sat around Casey’s dining room table and talked like old friends.  Her sister was visiting too and us 5 women went from nervous laughter, to true hearty laughter very quickly.  I taught Casey awkward turtle and she literally fell off her chair laughing.

We talked to our other girlfriend Adam on Skype, went shopping and devoured 8 million calories at the Cheesecake Factory, and found out the mall family bathroom wants you to be their friend on Facebook.  Indianapolis is a little strange that way.

That evening, Casey and I ran out to get dinner for everyone and had some time alone to just talk.  Our friendship, however new, rested solely on an Airhead candy for a brief time period.  Thankfully I passed a rigorous test that involved a lot of jaw power and all was well with the world.  Thank goodness I have a strong jaw.  Whew.

That car ride through Indianapolis made me think long and hard about making assumptions about how people will perceive me just because I’m not religious.  Truth be told, no one I’ve ever known has been wholly defined by their religion and Casey was so much more than the wonderful person she tells you about online.  I’m sure no one wants to be wholly defined that way, just as I don’t want to be labeled a sinner or an Atheist – especially since I’m neither and especially since I hate putting people in Mental Tupperware myself.  It isn’t fair to anyone to be labeled.  I don’t talk about my religion because it really doesn’t belong anywhere.  What I believe is personal and I think it should be that way for those who want to keep it personal.

On the way back home to Canada, Ali and I had a long conversation about the very same topic and about being Jewish (she is).  I told her that over the last few months, I have realized that my previous belief about circumcision was very narrow.   Before, I was adamant in believing that boys should not be circumcised under any circumstances including religion.

I dismissed someone else’s religion completely.  Not cool, Karen.

That was ignorant.  When I saw Alice Bradley‘s face fall in a Momversations video about that very topic a little while ago, I knew my words had hurt someone in her very position at some point.  Maybe even Ali.  For that, I take accountability and I’m sorry.  May I reiterate that any parenting decision shouldn’t be critisized?  You wanna breastfeed? Bottlefeed? Diaper your kid in banana leaves? Go for it.

(Well, except for Crocs, okay?  That’s well, something that rhymes with shmmild shmabuse.)

Anyway, my point is, religion can be a tough topic to talk about, but it is my hope that doors will continue to open for me to learn more about our people’s beliefs.  Because the friends I made this weekend were so amazing and interesting, I just can’t imagine living my life not knowing these women.

As for Casey, she can turn 27 today knowing we learned a lot from each other:

1) There really are words beyond swears.  And some of them are comedy gold;

2) Awkward Turtle will make a Mormon literally ROFL;

3) Swunderwire, Swass, Swunt and Swuttcrack are in the New Blogger’s Dictionary under ‘sweaty body parts’;

4) Feed a Canadian enough ChickFlah and she’ll become an internet sensation;

5) Casey can’t make brownies, but boy howdy, she can make WOWnies.  (I dreamt of them last night!)

6) Canadians really are crazy enough to drive 10+ hours each way to walk a 5 mile course with people they’ve never met, for a baby they’ve never met.  We have big hearts.

With my big Canadian heart, I wanna tell Casey, on her 27th birthday, just how much I love her.

You should too.

New Mama

April 23, 2009 I Love My Family

Dear Jessica,

Tonight was a comedy of errors trying to get to you and in the end it made more sense to stay home and get a good night rest before driving to Indiana tomorrow.

I know you understand why I’m going to Indiana, and why I couldn’t be with you tonight or over the weekend.

Tonight you gave birth to beautiful baby boy and I couldn’t be more proud of you.  From the day you told me you were pregnant, you’ve been nothing but positive and hopeful that the plan for your life will work out, that you will make it work out.  I believe you.  I believe in you.  You make it easy, because you believe in yourself.  That is a really good quality to have and I hope it never wavers.

I know that our family can be hypercritical to a fault, and sometimes the competitive nature of sisters gets under your delicate skin and often pricks your heart.  My hope for you all is that these things change over time.  I believe they will.

The good thing about being the older cousin is that I don’t have that silly sisterhood thing happening and I can be here for each of you in a capacity much like an Aunt-like figure, much like your mother has been there for me in ways my own mother couldn’t be.  I’m grateful we have a family that is so close that we’re into too much of each other’s business.  It beats having the kind of family that never communicates and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I believe that.

Now Nolan is here, and though I haven’t yet met him, I hear he entered the world with strong lungs and a strong reserve.  I smiled and teared up when your Mom gushed over him on the phone tonight.  Already he has your fight, your will.  You’ve been a Mama for a mere few hours and you’ve already made all of us so proud of you.  You were so brave and the first thing you wanted was to hold your son in your arms.   Welcome to motherhood, Jessica.  It’s a place of vulnerability, or unknown strength, of love you’ve never known.

I know you have all kinds of hopes and dreams for Nolan, for yourself and TH, for this newly developing family you’re so lovingly putting together.  I wish I could tell you that things will all fall together into place, but the truth is, raising a child is friggin’ hard work.  Yes, you are well aware of that, I know. You’ve never lost sight of that reality.

I wish I could tell you that marriage is a walk in the park,  but often it’s a delicate balance of working together and listening to ensure you are really hearing what each other needs.  It’s all too easy to get so very comfortable in a relationship that you begin to treat each other with less patience, and more harsh words and dirty looks, especially during the ‘babymoon’ of little sleep.  If you remember nothing else I ever say to you, remember this: respecting each other’s feelings will take you a long way in a marriage and sometimes you have to remember when to stop talking, take a few breaths and try again later.  True communication can’t really happen unless you’re both taking the time to really listen.  I believe you both are capable of doing just that.  I believe in you both.

As far as parenting goes, I told you the other day that while I may or may not agree with decisions you make about your son, I will never ever judge you on those decisions.  If you want to breastfeed, bottle feed, circumcise or not, it makes no difference if I would have made the same decision as you.  It makes no difference what the world thinks of your decisions.  You need not open yourself to truckloads of guilt and agony by requesting the opinions of people who have not been supportive of you in the past.  Sure, as a mother, you’ll weigh many things, turn them over in your hands, inspect them and lose sleep over them, but once you’ve made your decision, please don’t let anyone make you feel badly.  In turn, do the same courtesy to fellow mothers.   Too many moms try to one-up each other when a little support is really all we really need.  I believe your maturity level is higher than most, and you’ll remember the feelings of others over trying to make your kid look better than their kid in some silly way like who’s child sat up/stood/walked first.  Don’t get sucked in by people’s leading questions to do that to you, either.

It’s funny, if I was thinking about saying these things to any other new mother, I probably wouldn’t.  I’m not the type to bestow lecture-like advice to anyone.  Please don’t mistake any of this to mean I don’t have faith in you.  I do.  So very much.  The thing is, I’d love to protect you from the unsolicited advice of strangers (and sometimes friends), from the seemingly innocent grandmother types in the drug store who will tell you to put a damn blanket on that baby and from the legions of women pressuring you to make sure you do {baby fad of the week here}.

I suppose I want to protect you from the harsher parts of motherhood.  After all, I used to change your diapers.

Love,

Karen

xo

p.s. sleep when the baby sleeps.

p.p.s. lanolin for your nipples.  give it three weeks. call the le leche league if you need help.  if you go with bottles, do not feel guilty about it.

p.p.p.s. if people want to visit, they have to bring a meal.

p.p.p.p.s. i’m only a phone call away.

p.p.p.p.p.s. i love you!