Kinda reminds me of those late night commercials for local furniture or used auto sales places where the owner thinks he’s the shit and narrates his own commercial.
We will not be undersold!
Last night at hockey practice in Pleasantville, a bunch of us Moms sat up in the quiet of the (closed) bar, overlooking the rink. One of the women said she wished the bar was open, as she’d had a tough day …and we all agreed.
The conversation was easy, friendly, and soon turned to plastic surgery. One mom is having an abdominal operation due to having issues with her last c-section. I guess after 3 c-sections, her skin and tummy hadn’t healed properly and her doctor was getting this done for her, totally covered by OHIP. It wasn’t about her being vain or having body issues, though she admitted it was a bonus to have this problem area taken care of.
Another Mom and I joked that maybe our friend could get us a group discount on the $2400 operation. Then she said something that literally stopped me.
“I hate how when I put on underpants, they roll down because of the fat. Do you have that?”
I looked over at her. Shit, she’s looking at me.
For a split second I wondered if I should be honest. I mean, this is the worst place on my body and I’m very embarrassed about it. Despite losing weight, my belly plagues me after every shower. I hide it from my husband when I change, or dive under the covers after stripping for bed, and quickly lie flat to camouflage it. I suck it in, I zip it up, I avoid looking at it. I HATE my belly. And when my underwear rolls down like that, I die a little inside.
She continued, still looking at me, “No matter how much weight I lose, it won’t go away! Do you have that too?”
Her eyes pleaded with me and I felt my head nodding in agreement.
“Yeah. I know exactly what you mean,” I replied, “I have that. I’ve lost 40 pounds and it’s still there!”
I saw her face light up.
“Thank God you said that,” she said, with a breath of relief, “I thought I was alone with this! Oh thank God you said that,” she repeated again.
Another Mom piped up and admitted her underwear also rolls down because of her belly. Then another!
Pretty soon we were all laughing and joking again, about group discounts and not wearing underwear at all, to alleviate the problem. Between giggles and confessions I realized something:
I have found my people.
And we’re not going to wear underwear anymore.
Today is Avitable’s birthday and I emailed Britt to ask her to punch Adam in the arm for me (though I would have preferred the ballz but don’t want her to get fired; though I’m pretty sure she’s the boss in that joint.) I’ve always wondered what Adam does for a living. Any dude who admits openly to spending $2500/month on dining out has got to be doing something illegal right in the finances department. Good job Adam! Human trafficking must be looking good, even in this economy!
I wonder if Adam has the balls to write off his travel and dinner expense on his taxes. Seems to me that human trafficking has an expensive overhead. My
tax software has a spot for travel expenses, as does his, I’m sure. I bet he doesn’t even save his receipts. It must be expensive feeding 100+ folks stuffed into the back of a truck behind some live chickens.
But then he probably doesn’t feed them, the bastard. (the chickens OR the people)
I was trying to think of ways to celebrate Adam’s birthday bloggy style and the only thing I could think of was showing him my boobs.
Since that ain’t happening (at least on this end of the country – *cough* Redneck Boobs *cough*), I decided to do something else entirely.
But I suck because I couldn’t think of anything. So I wandered over to his blog for ideas, and found out two things: the slutfacemotherfucker is YOUNGER than me; and apparently I offend him. Twice over! (See #14 “The Hills” and # 20 “Children”)
So now that I’m all bitchy knowing he is a full 2.5 years younger than me, I thought I’d make my own list.
34.5 Things that Annoy, Displease or Otherwise Offend Karen Sugarpants:
34) Bratty adults 
33) People who deep-fry things that shouldn’t be deep-fried. Like brains. and Snickers bars.
32) People who don’t watch The Hills because it is a stupid show (but I can’t stop…it’s a sickness)
31) People who get to dine out all the time, because I’m jealous of the lack of clean-uppage afterwards
30) People who dedicate a whole week to their own birthdays (my cousin (not her) dedicates the entire month of December and I wanna punch her in the face when she says “It’s my birthday month!”)
29) People who hate children. Awww fuck who am I kidding? I fucking hate children too. Except my own. I kind of like them.
28) People who think the age of the cougar starts at 40. It starts at 50. At least in Canada. (I’m turning 35 July 4th so it CAN’T start at 40. *sob*)
27) Night vision goggle owners who probably really bought X-RAY vision goggles, Mister Pervy-pants!
26) Runner-ups in spllelling beez
25) Podcasters with super-smart, beautiful, amazing female co-hosts (with really high voices only dogs can hear at times)
24) Guys with messy desks with Pringles on them and Yoda looking over those messy desks!
23) Guy bloggers that live in sunny Florida (again with the jealousy)
22) Super wicked awesome Halloween party throwers (aaaand more jealousy)
21) People who play tricks on greedy freecyclers (which really was totally awesome)
20) Guys who run a business selling razor-sharp glass dildos to masochistic fetishists
19) Dudes with gianormous cartoon shlongs you just know they are using to slap other people in the face with
18) People who love going to the dentist. Really? Really?
17) People who love the Spice Girls movie. REALLY?
Okay I got this far, and it was really hard to think of 16 more things I even jokingly think are displeasing about Adam. I mean, truly, if you know him beyond the snark and sarcasm (and horrifying Christmas card drawings (Hi Avi-Mom!) and pictures of his asscrack,) to know him is to love him. And love him I do. I really hope I get to meet him in person one day so I can slap his ass.
Happy Birthday, You Bastard. (who I totally adore and really I hope you get spoiled and stuff. I’m eating Canadian candy in your honour after dinner tonight. DEEP FRIED, FUCKER!)
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